Monday, February 14, 2005
Valentine’s Day sucks. This is why.
So I have this theory (which I’m surprised I have yet to publish here) that Valentine’s Day is a truly horrendous holiday for 99.9 percent of the world’s population. The prevailing wisdom is that only single and jaded people hate Valentine’s Day. And while I can’t deny belonging to both of these categories, I would argue that this is simply not true. In fact, although I’ve never had the opportunity to find out for sure due to the unfortunate timing of my love season, I’d be willing to bet that I’d hate Valentine’s Day just as much, if not even more, if I were in a relationship. Why? Because as I see it, there are very few romantic scenarios that are conducive to a good Valentine’s Day. To wit:
Scenario #1: You’re in a relationship. This means the pressure is on to come up with a good Valentine’s Day gift. And if you think choosing the perfect gift is an activity fraught with peril on normal gift-giving holidays (birthdays, Christmas), just stop and consider the extra layer of romantic pressure that Valentine’s Day spackles on. Ugh.
Scenario #2: You’re not in a relationship, nor do you even have a crush on anyone, and you’re pretty sure no one has a crush on you, either. In this case, being surrounded by seemingly happy, lovey-dovey couples can be almost too much to bear. Best to hide out under the duvet until the deluge of hearts, roses and other Valentine’s-themed paraphernalia is blessedly over.
Scenario #3: A heretofore unbeknownst-to-you suitor chooses this day to make his affections known. And as it turns out, you don’t really feel the same way about him. Awkward. This is particularly painful should he choose to express these feelings by way of a stuffed animal. (Though why anyone over the age of eight would choose to do this, I have no idea. Guys, take the hint.)
Scenario #4: You’ve been pining away for someone and decide Valentine’s Day would be the best time to reveal your crush. Don’t do this. Just please, don’t. Wait until the 15th, for the love of God. If you want to know why, see above. And when you do reveal your feelings on the 15th, again, do not let a stuffed animal of any kind figure into the mix. (Girls, take the hint.)
Scenario #5: Going against all of my well-intentioned advice, you decide to reveal your feelings for your beloved anyway. And you discover that he or she feels the same way about you, and you ride off into the sunset, scattering rose petals and feeding each other Russell Stover chocolates from a heart-shaped box. While this is the only plausible good Valentine’s Day scenario I can think of, I’m pretty sure it’s a myth. Seriously, has this ever happened to you? Or your best friend’s brother’s cousin’s hairdresser, or anyone else you remotely know? Yeah, I didn’t think so. This kind of stuff doesn’t even happen on TV, because good Valentine’s Days are totally cliché and provide absolutely no romantic tension.
Plus, did I mention that the longer Valentine’s Day candy stays on the shelves, the longer we have to wait for the arrival of the Cadbury Egg? See, now we’re getting to the real root of my Valentine’s Day hatred.
The good news is, Valentine’s Day is only one day out of the year, and so there are 364 other pressure-free days on which romance doesn’t seem quite so trite and contrived. If you still need further proof that the best, sweetest moments in life don’t happen on Valentine’s Day, read this story of Rachel’s. At the very least, it might just melt your jaded and bitter heart. I know it did mine.
So I have this theory (which I’m surprised I have yet to publish here) that Valentine’s Day is a truly horrendous holiday for 99.9 percent of the world’s population. The prevailing wisdom is that only single and jaded people hate Valentine’s Day. And while I can’t deny belonging to both of these categories, I would argue that this is simply not true. In fact, although I’ve never had the opportunity to find out for sure due to the unfortunate timing of my love season, I’d be willing to bet that I’d hate Valentine’s Day just as much, if not even more, if I were in a relationship. Why? Because as I see it, there are very few romantic scenarios that are conducive to a good Valentine’s Day. To wit:
Scenario #1: You’re in a relationship. This means the pressure is on to come up with a good Valentine’s Day gift. And if you think choosing the perfect gift is an activity fraught with peril on normal gift-giving holidays (birthdays, Christmas), just stop and consider the extra layer of romantic pressure that Valentine’s Day spackles on. Ugh.
Scenario #2: You’re not in a relationship, nor do you even have a crush on anyone, and you’re pretty sure no one has a crush on you, either. In this case, being surrounded by seemingly happy, lovey-dovey couples can be almost too much to bear. Best to hide out under the duvet until the deluge of hearts, roses and other Valentine’s-themed paraphernalia is blessedly over.
Scenario #3: A heretofore unbeknownst-to-you suitor chooses this day to make his affections known. And as it turns out, you don’t really feel the same way about him. Awkward. This is particularly painful should he choose to express these feelings by way of a stuffed animal. (Though why anyone over the age of eight would choose to do this, I have no idea. Guys, take the hint.)
Scenario #4: You’ve been pining away for someone and decide Valentine’s Day would be the best time to reveal your crush. Don’t do this. Just please, don’t. Wait until the 15th, for the love of God. If you want to know why, see above. And when you do reveal your feelings on the 15th, again, do not let a stuffed animal of any kind figure into the mix. (Girls, take the hint.)
Scenario #5: Going against all of my well-intentioned advice, you decide to reveal your feelings for your beloved anyway. And you discover that he or she feels the same way about you, and you ride off into the sunset, scattering rose petals and feeding each other Russell Stover chocolates from a heart-shaped box. While this is the only plausible good Valentine’s Day scenario I can think of, I’m pretty sure it’s a myth. Seriously, has this ever happened to you? Or your best friend’s brother’s cousin’s hairdresser, or anyone else you remotely know? Yeah, I didn’t think so. This kind of stuff doesn’t even happen on TV, because good Valentine’s Days are totally cliché and provide absolutely no romantic tension.
Plus, did I mention that the longer Valentine’s Day candy stays on the shelves, the longer we have to wait for the arrival of the Cadbury Egg? See, now we’re getting to the real root of my Valentine’s Day hatred.
The good news is, Valentine’s Day is only one day out of the year, and so there are 364 other pressure-free days on which romance doesn’t seem quite so trite and contrived. If you still need further proof that the best, sweetest moments in life don’t happen on Valentine’s Day, read this story of Rachel’s. At the very least, it might just melt your jaded and bitter heart. I know it did mine.
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