Friday, July 25, 2003
The day the cable died
It seems that, after seven months, my blissful days of free cable have come to an end. Sniffle. It's probably just as well, though. I was starting to get freaked out by those commercials where Bob Costas tells you you're going to go to jail if you're not paying for your cable. Just so you know, I haven't been arrested yet. But just in case, if you happen to receive a call from me, please take it. You could be my one-phone-call person!
Anyway, before I get to this week's Most Amazing Thing I Saw Last Night on The Amazing Race, let me recap for you the amazing race that I personally embarked upon after discovering my sudden lack of cable.
6:00 p.m. I turn on the TV to watch syndicated Friends. Am met with snow.
6:01 p.m. I turn TV off and unplug TV and VCR because cable has been known to act weird in the past when I turn on the VCR too fast but can usually be fixed by unplugging.
6:02 p.m. Plug TV and VCR back in. Still snow.
6:03 p.m. Try various configurations between TV, VCR and cable, with no effect.
6:06 p.m. Unplug TV, VCR and cable. Take trash out, giving cable some time to work its magic.
6:10 p.m. Before re-entering apartment, I say a prayer that cable will be fixed. Consider making a bargain with God that if He will turn cable back on for The Amazing Race, I will call cable company and start paying for cable immediately. Decide against making such bargain, as I know there's no way in hell I would ever keep up my end of it.
6:11 p.m. Plug TV, VCR and cable back in. Snow.
6:12 p.m. Start to realize maybe I have lost my free cable. Contemplate asking neighbors if their cable is out, but decide the odds of that are probably slim, as it is a perfect, sunshine-y day. Besides, do not know neighbors and approaching them in such manner would probably only reinforce status as possible cable thief.
6:13 p.m. Call my friend Mary Beth (who turned me on to the Race in the first place) to see if I can come over and watch it with her. Get "phone has been disconnected" message. Realize I never got her new number after she moved.
6:14 p.m. Call Mary Beth's cell. Get voice mail. Consider leaving a message but decide against it, figuring by the time she gets it, it will be too late.
6:15 p.m. Flip through TV channels to see which I can pick up without cable. Try various configurations of TV/VCR, but can only pick up NBC, PBS and FOX.
6:17 p.m. Decide to buy TV antenna. Debate whether to go to sketchy ghetto Wal-Mart, which is closer, or Target, which is nicer (and where I know approximately where the TV antennas are located) but farther. Remember I only have $9 in bank account and so must go to Target where I can charge antenna on my Target card.
6:21 p.m. En route to Target, get in lane of slow traffic. Switch lanes suddenly and nearly get rear-ended by Mercedes.
6:35 p.m. Arrive at Target. Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al" is on radio, and my favorite line is coming up ("He looks around, around/He sees angels in the architecture/Spinning in infinity/He says, 'Hey, hallelujah'") but force myself to get out of the car before it comes on. To compensate, I sing the rest of the song as I'm walking through the parking lot.
6:37 p.m. Find antenna aisle. Decide on moderately priced antenna that looks reasonably like the one I had at my apartment in college that my sister stole from me and then broke. Briefly curse sister for stealing and breaking my antenna.
6:39 p.m. Find suitably short checkout line. Wait impatiently as woman in front of me discusses merits of Celine Dion CD with checker. Resist eye-roll. Wait even more impatiently as she uses new credit card machine for first time and marvels over it.
6:41 p.m. Back in car. Head for home.
6:48 p.m. Get in slow lane of traffic. Make sudden lane change and nearly get rear-ended by Toyota 4Runner.
6:54 p.m. Curse man walking across crosswalk for slowing me down while turning onto my street.
6:55 p.m. Parallel park quite badly.
6:57 p.m. Arrive back at my apartment. Check to see if cable has miraculously returned. It has not.
6:58 p.m. Furiously tear antenna out of box and begin hooking it up to VCR.
6:59 p.m. Flip to CBS channel. Nothing. Flip through channels on VCR and discover that I still only get PBS, NBC and FOX. Announcer on FOX teases new episode of Keen Eddie. I begin to cry, thinking my lack of cable will now relegate me to watching Keen Eddie.
7:00 p.m. Hook antenna up directly through TV. Begin flipping through channels. Discover that I get more channels with this configuration! Hold breath...
7:01 p.m. Flip to CBS. The reception is perfect! And Phil is still in the midst of recapping last week's episode! Success!
Whew. Even though that story had a happy ending, I am still saddened when I contemplate the ways lack of free cable will affect life as I know it. To wit:
-I will no longer get to watch my MTV shows (Road Rules, Real World, Surf Girls. Gasp! The Surf Girls finale is Monday! Hmm, hopefully I can talk Sallie into letting me come over to her apartment to watch it.)
-I will not get to find out who VH1's 200 greatest pop culture icons of all time are (although I must say I didn't totally agree with the list up to this point).
-No more fun E! shows like "Gwyneth Paltrow Love Chain" and "The Fabulous Life of Britney Spears."
-Now when I don't have plans on a Saturday night, I won't have Trading Spaces to fall back on.
-No more obsessively taping Dawson's Creek from TBS in the mornings and then watching it on weekends or on slow TV nights in an attempt to achieve goal of watching every single episode. And I was only like 8 episodes away from the goal! How tragic.
-I will never get to see the episode of Felicity where Julie goes apeshit and leaves the show. This episode has been on WE countless times, but every single time it has been on, I have had some previous engagement, so it is the only episode of Felicity I haven't seen. A few months ago, I got so fed up with not having seen this episode that I set my VCR to tape it. And wouldn't you know, the sound went out on the tape halfway through the episode! Since then, I have patiently sat through another roatation of the four seasons of Felicity, just waiting for it to come back on. And now, when we're merely a week away from that episode's next airing, the cable goes out. It's like the universe does not want me to see it.
-Most tragically, the lack of free cable means no more SBTB in the mornings. Which means I can't write any more recaps for The SBTB Blog. And just when good episodes were coming on again after a week of nothing but Miss Bliss and Tori. Oh, the anguish!
I guess I could look at the lack of cable as a good thing, reasoning that it will force me to go out and get a social life. But the fact of the matter is, most of my friends are just as TV-obsessed as I am. So what will probably happen is that I'll mooch off of their cable until they eventually come to resent me and stop being friends with me.
Actually, I am thinking about getting my cable back--and paying for it this time, of course. I could probably get the networks and a few of the basic auxiliary channels (i.e. TBS) for not that much money a month. However, I'm looking at moving into a bigger apartment in about three months, so it seems like a better idea to wait to get cable until I change apartments. Until then, I think I can survive. Or at the very least, I can get by with a little help from my friends.
Anyway. After that lengthy tangent, it is now time for...
The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
-Apparently in Malaysia, cows just lounge around in the road in the middle of the night. And not just one random cow here and there. They ALL do it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Malaysia rocks!
-Kelly and Jon's comeback truly was amazing. Of course, due to the wonders of editing, it's hard to know how far behind they really were in the first place. But considering that they got lost at the first clue box and then drove to the Fast Forward only to find that it had been taken, I'd say pretty far. Regardless, their competition with Millie and Chuck at the Roadblock was tense. Most TAR endings usually are tense, but again, you never know how much of that is due to editing. In this instance, you could actually see Jon inching past Chuck. I was a little disappointed, though, that the foot race at the end wasn't a bit more competitive. I expected to see Kelly grabbing Millie by her ponytail and shoving her down or, you know, Jon throwing an elbow at Chuck or something. In the end, though, I was pleased with the outcome. Although I am constantly put off by Jon's sexual metaphors, Millie was really starting to grate on my nerves. I had been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt even after Miss Alli turned on her way back in Austria. She had been slowly starting to annoy me for a few episodes now, but this one was the clencher, as her whining seemed to reach Flo-like proportions. Plus, I like Kelly. Why? Because she used to throw spitballs at cheerleaders! And Chuck really does resemble a werewolf. It was starting to scare me.
It seems that, after seven months, my blissful days of free cable have come to an end. Sniffle. It's probably just as well, though. I was starting to get freaked out by those commercials where Bob Costas tells you you're going to go to jail if you're not paying for your cable. Just so you know, I haven't been arrested yet. But just in case, if you happen to receive a call from me, please take it. You could be my one-phone-call person!
Anyway, before I get to this week's Most Amazing Thing I Saw Last Night on The Amazing Race, let me recap for you the amazing race that I personally embarked upon after discovering my sudden lack of cable.
6:00 p.m. I turn on the TV to watch syndicated Friends. Am met with snow.
6:01 p.m. I turn TV off and unplug TV and VCR because cable has been known to act weird in the past when I turn on the VCR too fast but can usually be fixed by unplugging.
6:02 p.m. Plug TV and VCR back in. Still snow.
6:03 p.m. Try various configurations between TV, VCR and cable, with no effect.
6:06 p.m. Unplug TV, VCR and cable. Take trash out, giving cable some time to work its magic.
6:10 p.m. Before re-entering apartment, I say a prayer that cable will be fixed. Consider making a bargain with God that if He will turn cable back on for The Amazing Race, I will call cable company and start paying for cable immediately. Decide against making such bargain, as I know there's no way in hell I would ever keep up my end of it.
6:11 p.m. Plug TV, VCR and cable back in. Snow.
6:12 p.m. Start to realize maybe I have lost my free cable. Contemplate asking neighbors if their cable is out, but decide the odds of that are probably slim, as it is a perfect, sunshine-y day. Besides, do not know neighbors and approaching them in such manner would probably only reinforce status as possible cable thief.
6:13 p.m. Call my friend Mary Beth (who turned me on to the Race in the first place) to see if I can come over and watch it with her. Get "phone has been disconnected" message. Realize I never got her new number after she moved.
6:14 p.m. Call Mary Beth's cell. Get voice mail. Consider leaving a message but decide against it, figuring by the time she gets it, it will be too late.
6:15 p.m. Flip through TV channels to see which I can pick up without cable. Try various configurations of TV/VCR, but can only pick up NBC, PBS and FOX.
6:17 p.m. Decide to buy TV antenna. Debate whether to go to sketchy ghetto Wal-Mart, which is closer, or Target, which is nicer (and where I know approximately where the TV antennas are located) but farther. Remember I only have $9 in bank account and so must go to Target where I can charge antenna on my Target card.
6:21 p.m. En route to Target, get in lane of slow traffic. Switch lanes suddenly and nearly get rear-ended by Mercedes.
6:35 p.m. Arrive at Target. Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al" is on radio, and my favorite line is coming up ("He looks around, around/He sees angels in the architecture/Spinning in infinity/He says, 'Hey, hallelujah'") but force myself to get out of the car before it comes on. To compensate, I sing the rest of the song as I'm walking through the parking lot.
6:37 p.m. Find antenna aisle. Decide on moderately priced antenna that looks reasonably like the one I had at my apartment in college that my sister stole from me and then broke. Briefly curse sister for stealing and breaking my antenna.
6:39 p.m. Find suitably short checkout line. Wait impatiently as woman in front of me discusses merits of Celine Dion CD with checker. Resist eye-roll. Wait even more impatiently as she uses new credit card machine for first time and marvels over it.
6:41 p.m. Back in car. Head for home.
6:48 p.m. Get in slow lane of traffic. Make sudden lane change and nearly get rear-ended by Toyota 4Runner.
6:54 p.m. Curse man walking across crosswalk for slowing me down while turning onto my street.
6:55 p.m. Parallel park quite badly.
6:57 p.m. Arrive back at my apartment. Check to see if cable has miraculously returned. It has not.
6:58 p.m. Furiously tear antenna out of box and begin hooking it up to VCR.
6:59 p.m. Flip to CBS channel. Nothing. Flip through channels on VCR and discover that I still only get PBS, NBC and FOX. Announcer on FOX teases new episode of Keen Eddie. I begin to cry, thinking my lack of cable will now relegate me to watching Keen Eddie.
7:00 p.m. Hook antenna up directly through TV. Begin flipping through channels. Discover that I get more channels with this configuration! Hold breath...
7:01 p.m. Flip to CBS. The reception is perfect! And Phil is still in the midst of recapping last week's episode! Success!
Whew. Even though that story had a happy ending, I am still saddened when I contemplate the ways lack of free cable will affect life as I know it. To wit:
-I will no longer get to watch my MTV shows (Road Rules, Real World, Surf Girls. Gasp! The Surf Girls finale is Monday! Hmm, hopefully I can talk Sallie into letting me come over to her apartment to watch it.)
-I will not get to find out who VH1's 200 greatest pop culture icons of all time are (although I must say I didn't totally agree with the list up to this point).
-No more fun E! shows like "Gwyneth Paltrow Love Chain" and "The Fabulous Life of Britney Spears."
-Now when I don't have plans on a Saturday night, I won't have Trading Spaces to fall back on.
-No more obsessively taping Dawson's Creek from TBS in the mornings and then watching it on weekends or on slow TV nights in an attempt to achieve goal of watching every single episode. And I was only like 8 episodes away from the goal! How tragic.
-I will never get to see the episode of Felicity where Julie goes apeshit and leaves the show. This episode has been on WE countless times, but every single time it has been on, I have had some previous engagement, so it is the only episode of Felicity I haven't seen. A few months ago, I got so fed up with not having seen this episode that I set my VCR to tape it. And wouldn't you know, the sound went out on the tape halfway through the episode! Since then, I have patiently sat through another roatation of the four seasons of Felicity, just waiting for it to come back on. And now, when we're merely a week away from that episode's next airing, the cable goes out. It's like the universe does not want me to see it.
-Most tragically, the lack of free cable means no more SBTB in the mornings. Which means I can't write any more recaps for The SBTB Blog. And just when good episodes were coming on again after a week of nothing but Miss Bliss and Tori. Oh, the anguish!
I guess I could look at the lack of cable as a good thing, reasoning that it will force me to go out and get a social life. But the fact of the matter is, most of my friends are just as TV-obsessed as I am. So what will probably happen is that I'll mooch off of their cable until they eventually come to resent me and stop being friends with me.
Actually, I am thinking about getting my cable back--and paying for it this time, of course. I could probably get the networks and a few of the basic auxiliary channels (i.e. TBS) for not that much money a month. However, I'm looking at moving into a bigger apartment in about three months, so it seems like a better idea to wait to get cable until I change apartments. Until then, I think I can survive. Or at the very least, I can get by with a little help from my friends.
Anyway. After that lengthy tangent, it is now time for...
The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
-Apparently in Malaysia, cows just lounge around in the road in the middle of the night. And not just one random cow here and there. They ALL do it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Malaysia rocks!
-Kelly and Jon's comeback truly was amazing. Of course, due to the wonders of editing, it's hard to know how far behind they really were in the first place. But considering that they got lost at the first clue box and then drove to the Fast Forward only to find that it had been taken, I'd say pretty far. Regardless, their competition with Millie and Chuck at the Roadblock was tense. Most TAR endings usually are tense, but again, you never know how much of that is due to editing. In this instance, you could actually see Jon inching past Chuck. I was a little disappointed, though, that the foot race at the end wasn't a bit more competitive. I expected to see Kelly grabbing Millie by her ponytail and shoving her down or, you know, Jon throwing an elbow at Chuck or something. In the end, though, I was pleased with the outcome. Although I am constantly put off by Jon's sexual metaphors, Millie was really starting to grate on my nerves. I had been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt even after Miss Alli turned on her way back in Austria. She had been slowly starting to annoy me for a few episodes now, but this one was the clencher, as her whining seemed to reach Flo-like proportions. Plus, I like Kelly. Why? Because she used to throw spitballs at cheerleaders! And Chuck really does resemble a werewolf. It was starting to scare me.
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