Thursday, April 17, 2003
There are good Mormons, and then there are baaaaaad Mormons
So why is it that the good Mormons (Audree) get sent home while the bad Mormons (Carmen) are still being allowed to inflict pain on the American public week after week? I don't know. But I'm tired of trying to figure it out. So today we're not even going to discuss American Idol. Instead, we're going to talk about one of my other favorite Wednesday-night reality shows: Skin Cancer Central! Oh, I mean The Bachelor.
Seriously, though, aren't these women at an age where baking yourself in the sun for hours every day does not seem like a good idea? They are! They're my age, and I know that I personally try to stay away from sunbathing because I'm worried about a) wrinkles and b) skin cancer. Sure, I do indulge from time to time, especially when I go to the beach (which is like once a year, if that), but I always wear at least SPF 30 and reapply often. Of course, my anti-sunbathing kick is a relatively new thing that has less to do with my age and more to do with this old woman I used to see at the university pool who had clearly spent most of her life sunbathing. She was SCARY. Her skin looked like leather, and to top it off, she was disgustingly skinny. She looked like a leather skeleton. So she was pretty much what scared me away from sunbathing. Perhaps we should send her on over to the ladies' villa, because I can tell that a few of them are heading for her fate.
Anyway. First of all, Tina from Wisconsin, Tina-Fabulous, Tina Not-a-Lesbian or whatever you want to call her: I love her. LOVE HER. Originally, she was not one of my favorites. Last week, my esteem for her began to grow when Andrew told her that she was his type, physically, and she was like, "It's not just about looks." (Finally, someone gets it!) Still, I wasn't totally sold on her. I think it was the hot-pink lipstick. And the horizontal-striped sequined dress. The girl has no fashion sense. But God, she's cool. She gets snarky with Andrew. She can throw a football in stiletto heels. I can't throw a football or wear stiletto heels. And when she wears that nice light-pink lip gloss, she kind of looks like Tori Amos. Then again, I also thought Ryan Seacrest's sister the other night looked kind of like Tori Amos. Maybe that's a side effect of watching too much reality TV. Everyone starts to look like Tori Amos.
On to the other Tina, Tina from Tennesee, or Scary Lesbian Tina. She may not have intimidated Andrew, but she sure as hell intimidated me. I think she's probably basically a nice person, but when she's talking to Andrew, she just starts barking out orders like she's some kind of drill sergeant. "I want to be in the top four!" What does that even mean? Like, feel free to dump me but please meet my family first? I'm now going to be scared going to Nashville for fear of running into Scary Lesbian Tina.
Say what you want about Liz, but I like her even more after last night's episode. She seems like the kind of person who, when she's excited, talks really fast, gets a little too emotional and is just a leeetle bit crazy. That's so me. Of course, I have the good sense not to showcase that side of my personality on national television and instead keep it confined to friends and family who know and love me for these little quirks. But whatever. Liz is just so darn cute. How can you not love her?
I was kind of sorry to see Drunk Amber go, simply because Drunk Amber has provided me with endless hours of amusement. From stuffing her face with hors d'oeuvres at the rose ceremony (honey, it's going to take a few truckloads of those canapes before you're the "fat girl at the reunion show") to her assessment of her date with Andrew ("I really feel like we have a chemistry," which led me to wonder if she was on the same date as the rest of us), Drunk Amber kept me in stitches throughout the entire episode. In fact, she inspired me to come up with a brilliant idea for a new reality show, starring her and Trishelle from The Real World. It would be called The Wacky Adventures of Amber & Trishelle, and each week, we would follow the girls as they get wasted, hook up with random pretty boys and say unbelievably stupid things. The host: Bob from the Bachelor.
So Heather: Was she even in the episode at all? I swear to God, when Andrew was watching his video messages and she popped up on the screen, he was like, "Who the hell is that?" Not that I blame him. I had the same reaction.
Kirsten is totally going to win, and I am totally not happy about that. Kirsten is one of those girls who doesn't have any girlfriends, only boyfriends. I'm sorry, but girls like that are sketchy. SKETCHY. And guys should recognize that these are not the kind of girls they need to be forming a serious relationship with. Sure, guys might think that this is ideal because it allows them to escape having their every move criticized by a pack of girlfriends. However, if a girl doesn't have any close girlfriends she can turn to for emotional support, she's going to rely solely on her boyfriend/fiance/husband and eventually become way too clingy, needy and possibly psychotic. Anyway, I guess I can see where Kirsten is coming from with her theory that she's there to find a husband, not make friends. But the reality is that she's spending a lot more time with the other girls than she is with Andrew, and so it wouldn't kill her to at least be nice to them. I'm not saying she has to try and be best friends with everyone in the house like Liz is doing (which, by the way, is what I totally would do and why I love Liz), but she could at least make an effort. Plus, we've already seen that Andrew is the type who likes to ask the girls what they think about one another (which suggests he might be slightly shady as well), and I really think that shunning the other girls might have a negative impact on Kirsten in the future.
Totally unrelated to The Bachelor, the Loudies seem to have purchased some sort of talking Aflac duck that goes "Aflac! AfLAC! AFLAC!" whenever you squeeze it. Surprisingly, it manages to be even more annoying than they are. Somewhat unsurprisingly, they think it is the cutest thing ever and insist on setting it off every five minutes. I'm considering kidnapping it and leaving a ransom note while they're at lunch.
So why is it that the good Mormons (Audree) get sent home while the bad Mormons (Carmen) are still being allowed to inflict pain on the American public week after week? I don't know. But I'm tired of trying to figure it out. So today we're not even going to discuss American Idol. Instead, we're going to talk about one of my other favorite Wednesday-night reality shows: Skin Cancer Central! Oh, I mean The Bachelor.
Seriously, though, aren't these women at an age where baking yourself in the sun for hours every day does not seem like a good idea? They are! They're my age, and I know that I personally try to stay away from sunbathing because I'm worried about a) wrinkles and b) skin cancer. Sure, I do indulge from time to time, especially when I go to the beach (which is like once a year, if that), but I always wear at least SPF 30 and reapply often. Of course, my anti-sunbathing kick is a relatively new thing that has less to do with my age and more to do with this old woman I used to see at the university pool who had clearly spent most of her life sunbathing. She was SCARY. Her skin looked like leather, and to top it off, she was disgustingly skinny. She looked like a leather skeleton. So she was pretty much what scared me away from sunbathing. Perhaps we should send her on over to the ladies' villa, because I can tell that a few of them are heading for her fate.
Anyway. First of all, Tina from Wisconsin, Tina-Fabulous, Tina Not-a-Lesbian or whatever you want to call her: I love her. LOVE HER. Originally, she was not one of my favorites. Last week, my esteem for her began to grow when Andrew told her that she was his type, physically, and she was like, "It's not just about looks." (Finally, someone gets it!) Still, I wasn't totally sold on her. I think it was the hot-pink lipstick. And the horizontal-striped sequined dress. The girl has no fashion sense. But God, she's cool. She gets snarky with Andrew. She can throw a football in stiletto heels. I can't throw a football or wear stiletto heels. And when she wears that nice light-pink lip gloss, she kind of looks like Tori Amos. Then again, I also thought Ryan Seacrest's sister the other night looked kind of like Tori Amos. Maybe that's a side effect of watching too much reality TV. Everyone starts to look like Tori Amos.
On to the other Tina, Tina from Tennesee, or Scary Lesbian Tina. She may not have intimidated Andrew, but she sure as hell intimidated me. I think she's probably basically a nice person, but when she's talking to Andrew, she just starts barking out orders like she's some kind of drill sergeant. "I want to be in the top four!" What does that even mean? Like, feel free to dump me but please meet my family first? I'm now going to be scared going to Nashville for fear of running into Scary Lesbian Tina.
Say what you want about Liz, but I like her even more after last night's episode. She seems like the kind of person who, when she's excited, talks really fast, gets a little too emotional and is just a leeetle bit crazy. That's so me. Of course, I have the good sense not to showcase that side of my personality on national television and instead keep it confined to friends and family who know and love me for these little quirks. But whatever. Liz is just so darn cute. How can you not love her?
I was kind of sorry to see Drunk Amber go, simply because Drunk Amber has provided me with endless hours of amusement. From stuffing her face with hors d'oeuvres at the rose ceremony (honey, it's going to take a few truckloads of those canapes before you're the "fat girl at the reunion show") to her assessment of her date with Andrew ("I really feel like we have a chemistry," which led me to wonder if she was on the same date as the rest of us), Drunk Amber kept me in stitches throughout the entire episode. In fact, she inspired me to come up with a brilliant idea for a new reality show, starring her and Trishelle from The Real World. It would be called The Wacky Adventures of Amber & Trishelle, and each week, we would follow the girls as they get wasted, hook up with random pretty boys and say unbelievably stupid things. The host: Bob from the Bachelor.
So Heather: Was she even in the episode at all? I swear to God, when Andrew was watching his video messages and she popped up on the screen, he was like, "Who the hell is that?" Not that I blame him. I had the same reaction.
Kirsten is totally going to win, and I am totally not happy about that. Kirsten is one of those girls who doesn't have any girlfriends, only boyfriends. I'm sorry, but girls like that are sketchy. SKETCHY. And guys should recognize that these are not the kind of girls they need to be forming a serious relationship with. Sure, guys might think that this is ideal because it allows them to escape having their every move criticized by a pack of girlfriends. However, if a girl doesn't have any close girlfriends she can turn to for emotional support, she's going to rely solely on her boyfriend/fiance/husband and eventually become way too clingy, needy and possibly psychotic. Anyway, I guess I can see where Kirsten is coming from with her theory that she's there to find a husband, not make friends. But the reality is that she's spending a lot more time with the other girls than she is with Andrew, and so it wouldn't kill her to at least be nice to them. I'm not saying she has to try and be best friends with everyone in the house like Liz is doing (which, by the way, is what I totally would do and why I love Liz), but she could at least make an effort. Plus, we've already seen that Andrew is the type who likes to ask the girls what they think about one another (which suggests he might be slightly shady as well), and I really think that shunning the other girls might have a negative impact on Kirsten in the future.
Totally unrelated to The Bachelor, the Loudies seem to have purchased some sort of talking Aflac duck that goes "Aflac! AfLAC! AFLAC!" whenever you squeeze it. Surprisingly, it manages to be even more annoying than they are. Somewhat unsurprisingly, they think it is the cutest thing ever and insist on setting it off every five minutes. I'm considering kidnapping it and leaving a ransom note while they're at lunch.
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