Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Idol...again
So I know some of you were disappointed last week when I decided to forego my usual lengthy recap of American Idol to talk about The Bachelor. I can't promise that I won't do that again tomorrow (especially if I become further devastated by Carmen's continuing presence on my TV screen), but for now I'm giving you what you want.
First, let's start with what was probably the best moment of the night, which was Randy saying that this competition is about looking for the best singer in America, and Carmen's not even close. Thank you! Finally, someone is vocalizing what the rest of us have been saying all along. (And finally, Randy is giving a criticism other than "That was a little pitchy, dog.") What would be even better is if someone would get up and say, "Stop doing that freaking vibrato thing! You sound like a goat that's using a jackhammer while it's being butchered by a machine gun!" Seriously, they should let me, Bri and the Tyrant be the judges. And Chase could be our guest judge. Only I can't say whether he's aged gracefully or not because he's only in his early 20s. But given the Seacrest-esque amounts of time he spends at the tanning bed, I'd say he'd be well-qualified to be an American Idol judge in about 30 years.
I'd rather not analyze whatever this strange relationship is between Carmen and Clay that involves him groping her during group sings and listening outside the trailer as she fakes an orgasm for the Herbal Essences commercial. (I'll bet the Mormons loved that.) Instead, I prefer to think that Ryan, Simon and Clay have some sort of gay sexual-tension love triangle going on and have to try and hide it by whoring on various women. That would explain why Simon had his beard--oh, I mean his girlfriend, sitting right behind him and also maybe why he was making out with the side of Diane Warren's face during the credits. As for Ryan, it appears that he's here, he's queer, and unfortunately for all of us, he isn't going anywhere. K-Locke seems to have taken on the role of fag hag in the group, which is why I love her. Still, you'd think she could find a better fag to hag than Ryan Seacrest.
Speaking of K-Locke, her outfits are getting better and better each week, but did anyone else notice that she appeared to have a piece of either Saran wrap or packing tape stuck to her right butt cheek? What was up with that? Her highlights were fabulous, though. Do you think she really got those by applying Herbal Essences color to her own hair? I don't.
So Josh sucked with the force of a thousand Hoovers. And I thought his performance of "Celebration" was bad. Now that we're not at war anymore, is it PC to vote him off the show? God, I hope so.
I have lately noticed that Ryan Seacrest is freakishly small. He just looks tiny compared to all of the contestants. Understandably, he looks small when standing next to Ruben. But Clay? Trenyce?? I'm assuming that the contestants, since they weren't Famous People until a couple of months ago, are actually the same size as the rest of us, which supports my theory that Ryan Seacrest is freakishly small. Not having ever been within 10 feet of Ryan Seacrest (and not ever wanting to be, for that matter), I cannot say whether this is an actual fact.
Bri has just informed me that the American Idol tour will be rolling into Birmingham this summer. I am SO going to go and am possibly going to make some really kick-ass signs. (And they won't say "Clay's voice makes me tingle.") Anyway, you're all invited to stay with me if you want to attend the Birmingham show. Just know that, because of the tiny size of my apartment, you'll either have to sleep on the floor, in the bathtub or with me. Hmm, I wonder if Clay needs a place to stay...
So I know some of you were disappointed last week when I decided to forego my usual lengthy recap of American Idol to talk about The Bachelor. I can't promise that I won't do that again tomorrow (especially if I become further devastated by Carmen's continuing presence on my TV screen), but for now I'm giving you what you want.
First, let's start with what was probably the best moment of the night, which was Randy saying that this competition is about looking for the best singer in America, and Carmen's not even close. Thank you! Finally, someone is vocalizing what the rest of us have been saying all along. (And finally, Randy is giving a criticism other than "That was a little pitchy, dog.") What would be even better is if someone would get up and say, "Stop doing that freaking vibrato thing! You sound like a goat that's using a jackhammer while it's being butchered by a machine gun!" Seriously, they should let me, Bri and the Tyrant be the judges. And Chase could be our guest judge. Only I can't say whether he's aged gracefully or not because he's only in his early 20s. But given the Seacrest-esque amounts of time he spends at the tanning bed, I'd say he'd be well-qualified to be an American Idol judge in about 30 years.
I'd rather not analyze whatever this strange relationship is between Carmen and Clay that involves him groping her during group sings and listening outside the trailer as she fakes an orgasm for the Herbal Essences commercial. (I'll bet the Mormons loved that.) Instead, I prefer to think that Ryan, Simon and Clay have some sort of gay sexual-tension love triangle going on and have to try and hide it by whoring on various women. That would explain why Simon had his beard--oh, I mean his girlfriend, sitting right behind him and also maybe why he was making out with the side of Diane Warren's face during the credits. As for Ryan, it appears that he's here, he's queer, and unfortunately for all of us, he isn't going anywhere. K-Locke seems to have taken on the role of fag hag in the group, which is why I love her. Still, you'd think she could find a better fag to hag than Ryan Seacrest.
Speaking of K-Locke, her outfits are getting better and better each week, but did anyone else notice that she appeared to have a piece of either Saran wrap or packing tape stuck to her right butt cheek? What was up with that? Her highlights were fabulous, though. Do you think she really got those by applying Herbal Essences color to her own hair? I don't.
So Josh sucked with the force of a thousand Hoovers. And I thought his performance of "Celebration" was bad. Now that we're not at war anymore, is it PC to vote him off the show? God, I hope so.
I have lately noticed that Ryan Seacrest is freakishly small. He just looks tiny compared to all of the contestants. Understandably, he looks small when standing next to Ruben. But Clay? Trenyce?? I'm assuming that the contestants, since they weren't Famous People until a couple of months ago, are actually the same size as the rest of us, which supports my theory that Ryan Seacrest is freakishly small. Not having ever been within 10 feet of Ryan Seacrest (and not ever wanting to be, for that matter), I cannot say whether this is an actual fact.
Bri has just informed me that the American Idol tour will be rolling into Birmingham this summer. I am SO going to go and am possibly going to make some really kick-ass signs. (And they won't say "Clay's voice makes me tingle.") Anyway, you're all invited to stay with me if you want to attend the Birmingham show. Just know that, because of the tiny size of my apartment, you'll either have to sleep on the floor, in the bathtub or with me. Hmm, I wonder if Clay needs a place to stay...
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