Wednesday, March 19, 2003
State of the Reality TV
My fellow Americans, I come to you today to speak about a grave threat that is facing our nation. This is a threat that could pose serious danger to every American if it is not immediately dealt with. The threat of which I speak is, naturally, Julia DeMato's wardrobe on American Idol.
Julia DeMato has consistently demonstrated that she not only harbors but also uses outfits of mass annoyance to assault the American public. It is my fear that if Julia is allowed to continue this behavior, such horrendous outfits as a torn sweatshirt, tight jeans, high heels and a wallet chain could catch on as national trends and destroy all the fashion ideals our great nation holds dear. With that in mind, I issue the following ultimatum to Julia DeMato: You have 48 hours to peacefully surrender your outfits of mass annoyance before I deploy my troops to invade your wardrobe and remove them forcibly.
Furthermore, a slightly less urgent but no less real threat is present in the form of Paula Abdul, who has aided and abetted known fashion victim Julia DeMato in her assault on the American people. We also have reports from our fashion inspectors that Paula, too, is harboring outfits of mass annoyance, such as the one she was wearing last night. We are prepared to grant some leniency to Paula, as we feel she may have become confused by the impending war with Iraq and mistaken 2003 for 1991, which was the last year that outfit was even remotely in fashion. Paula Abdul, this is your warning: If you do not cooperate with our fashion inspectors and disarm of all outfits of mass annoyance, you will meet with the same fate as your conspirator, Julia DeMato.
You, the American people, can help us to contain these threats. Excercise your power to vote! Vote for contestants such as Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken who, while they pretty much wear the same thing every show, have never so flagrantly violated fashion resolutions as Julia DeMato and Paula Abdul have. I only regret that you cannot vote against people, as my votes alone would have seen an end to this threat long ago. All that we can do now is pray that Julia DeMato will heed this warning and end her fashion tyranny over this great nation of ours.
Thank you and good afternoon.
Note: This is what happens if you both listen to too much NPR and watch too much American Idol. Also, if in fact we are going to war in a matter of hours, I just want to say this: Clay Aiken, will you marry me?
My fellow Americans, I come to you today to speak about a grave threat that is facing our nation. This is a threat that could pose serious danger to every American if it is not immediately dealt with. The threat of which I speak is, naturally, Julia DeMato's wardrobe on American Idol.
Julia DeMato has consistently demonstrated that she not only harbors but also uses outfits of mass annoyance to assault the American public. It is my fear that if Julia is allowed to continue this behavior, such horrendous outfits as a torn sweatshirt, tight jeans, high heels and a wallet chain could catch on as national trends and destroy all the fashion ideals our great nation holds dear. With that in mind, I issue the following ultimatum to Julia DeMato: You have 48 hours to peacefully surrender your outfits of mass annoyance before I deploy my troops to invade your wardrobe and remove them forcibly.
Furthermore, a slightly less urgent but no less real threat is present in the form of Paula Abdul, who has aided and abetted known fashion victim Julia DeMato in her assault on the American people. We also have reports from our fashion inspectors that Paula, too, is harboring outfits of mass annoyance, such as the one she was wearing last night. We are prepared to grant some leniency to Paula, as we feel she may have become confused by the impending war with Iraq and mistaken 2003 for 1991, which was the last year that outfit was even remotely in fashion. Paula Abdul, this is your warning: If you do not cooperate with our fashion inspectors and disarm of all outfits of mass annoyance, you will meet with the same fate as your conspirator, Julia DeMato.
You, the American people, can help us to contain these threats. Excercise your power to vote! Vote for contestants such as Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken who, while they pretty much wear the same thing every show, have never so flagrantly violated fashion resolutions as Julia DeMato and Paula Abdul have. I only regret that you cannot vote against people, as my votes alone would have seen an end to this threat long ago. All that we can do now is pray that Julia DeMato will heed this warning and end her fashion tyranny over this great nation of ours.
Thank you and good afternoon.
Note: This is what happens if you both listen to too much NPR and watch too much American Idol. Also, if in fact we are going to war in a matter of hours, I just want to say this: Clay Aiken, will you marry me?
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