Thursday, March 27, 2003
Ridding the world of stupidity, one reality show at a time
I am happy to report that Operation Down With Julia was an overwhelming success. Thanks to the millions of Americans who wisely voted for people other than Julia DeMato. It seems that Paula has also heeded my warning, as she turned up last night in a very tasteful black turtleneck. (We won't mention Tuesday night's rodeo attire.) Since it has now been proven that my blog can control events on reality TV, I issue the following warnings to other reality-TV participants:
American Idol
Ryan Seacrest: Please, for the love of God, get a personality transplant and a new wardrobe, stat. No one cares to hear any more of your thinly veiled sexual innuendoes, and as for the wardrobe...well, you look like something 'N Sync threw up. If it were possible to vote you off the show, I probably would, if not for the gripping fear that they might bring back Dunkleman to take your place.
Kimberly C.: It's called waterproof mascara. Look into it. Also, look into getting a new wardrobe before you meet the same fate as your fashion-victim buddy Julia DeMato.
Corey: Mesh shirt? No. Sorry, dude, your time is up.
The Bachelor
The girls on this or any season of The Bachelor: If I hear one more 30-something woman say how she wants to meet "the perfect man" or "Prince Charming" and then wonder aloud why she's still single, I'm going to scream. It's not that I think any woman over the age of 30 should give up the hope of finding true love and having a happy marriage -- quite the contrary, since I myself have declared that I won't even begin to think about getting married until I'm at least 28. But if you're turning away suitors right and left just because they don't have the dimples that you always dreamed your "perfect man" would have or because they don't currently earn a six-figure salary, you've got no right to complain about your marital status.
Sorority Life
Maggie: Please move out of the pledge house and take your ghetto-fabulous best friend Julia with you. Let Melissa or Sarah or Brittany -- pledges whom we don't get to see that often but who are bound to be less annoying than you by sheer probability -- live in the house instead. I do have to say, though, that you'll make a perfect DZO sister. You're bitchy, annoying, have a borderline-psychotic obsession of the concept of "sisterhood" and manage to make the smallest incident into a Miniseries of the Week.
Brooke: You rock. Don't let the psycho sisters of DZO suck you in. Do stick around for most of the pledge period (because the show completely unbearable otherwise), but pull a Mara-and-Jordan and de-pledge at the end.
Nicole: Choose a side. Do you want to be on Maggie's side or Brooke's side? Do you want to be with Tim or the psycho sisters? Do you want your hair to be curly or straight? (Hint: The correct choices have nothing to do with Maggie, the psycho sisters or your precious ringlets.)
Fraternity Life
Alex: Good decision, dumping your girlfriend. Remember, psycho girlfriend will pretty much always be psycho, but psycho fraternity brothers have given some indication that they will be slightly less psycho once pledging is over. Just don't go back to the girlfriend. (I know you're going to, anyway.)
Earl: Start dating Maggie. Perhaps if you're both getting laid, you'd both be a little less annoying. We can only hope.
I am happy to report that Operation Down With Julia was an overwhelming success. Thanks to the millions of Americans who wisely voted for people other than Julia DeMato. It seems that Paula has also heeded my warning, as she turned up last night in a very tasteful black turtleneck. (We won't mention Tuesday night's rodeo attire.) Since it has now been proven that my blog can control events on reality TV, I issue the following warnings to other reality-TV participants:
American Idol
Ryan Seacrest: Please, for the love of God, get a personality transplant and a new wardrobe, stat. No one cares to hear any more of your thinly veiled sexual innuendoes, and as for the wardrobe...well, you look like something 'N Sync threw up. If it were possible to vote you off the show, I probably would, if not for the gripping fear that they might bring back Dunkleman to take your place.
Kimberly C.: It's called waterproof mascara. Look into it. Also, look into getting a new wardrobe before you meet the same fate as your fashion-victim buddy Julia DeMato.
Corey: Mesh shirt? No. Sorry, dude, your time is up.
The Bachelor
The girls on this or any season of The Bachelor: If I hear one more 30-something woman say how she wants to meet "the perfect man" or "Prince Charming" and then wonder aloud why she's still single, I'm going to scream. It's not that I think any woman over the age of 30 should give up the hope of finding true love and having a happy marriage -- quite the contrary, since I myself have declared that I won't even begin to think about getting married until I'm at least 28. But if you're turning away suitors right and left just because they don't have the dimples that you always dreamed your "perfect man" would have or because they don't currently earn a six-figure salary, you've got no right to complain about your marital status.
Sorority Life
Maggie: Please move out of the pledge house and take your ghetto-fabulous best friend Julia with you. Let Melissa or Sarah or Brittany -- pledges whom we don't get to see that often but who are bound to be less annoying than you by sheer probability -- live in the house instead. I do have to say, though, that you'll make a perfect DZO sister. You're bitchy, annoying, have a borderline-psychotic obsession of the concept of "sisterhood" and manage to make the smallest incident into a Miniseries of the Week.
Brooke: You rock. Don't let the psycho sisters of DZO suck you in. Do stick around for most of the pledge period (because the show completely unbearable otherwise), but pull a Mara-and-Jordan and de-pledge at the end.
Nicole: Choose a side. Do you want to be on Maggie's side or Brooke's side? Do you want to be with Tim or the psycho sisters? Do you want your hair to be curly or straight? (Hint: The correct choices have nothing to do with Maggie, the psycho sisters or your precious ringlets.)
Fraternity Life
Alex: Good decision, dumping your girlfriend. Remember, psycho girlfriend will pretty much always be psycho, but psycho fraternity brothers have given some indication that they will be slightly less psycho once pledging is over. Just don't go back to the girlfriend. (I know you're going to, anyway.)
Earl: Start dating Maggie. Perhaps if you're both getting laid, you'd both be a little less annoying. We can only hope.
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