Tuesday, September 10, 2002
CNN- and Adrian-induced panic (slight)
Was innocently fact-checking at my desk today when breaking news popped up on my CNN news ticker, saying that whoever is in charge of these things had raised the state of alert for possibility of terrorist attack tomorrow. Began to have visions of nuclear obliteration of everything but cockroaches (should be the first things to go, in my opinon, esp. the ones that lurk on my front steps). Also, stared blankly at computer screen while contemplating mortality; e.g. if I die tomorrow, what would I regret? Felt alternately pleased/frustrated with myself that I couldn't seem to think of any big regrets yet was sure there had to be at least one. Finally, told myself that terrorists would have to be pretty stupid to plan attack tomorrow when they know everyone will be kind of expecting it (although wouldn't know exactly how to prepare short of building bunker or trying again to think of regrets).
While I'm on the subject, I have been thinking a lot lately (in between searching for regrets, obviously) about what I am going to do to mark the day. Obviously want to do something, but it must be something meaningful to me, not just turning on headlights, watching Peter Jennings special, etc. So I have decided to do one thing that I did last year, which was read "The Long Fall of One-Eleven Heavy," by Michael Paterniti. This is a story that ran in Esquire a couple of years ago about the crash of a Swissair flight. We were assigned to read it for Jacqui Banaszynski's intermediate writing and were supposed write a reaction to it and then discuss with the class on the 12th. The night of the 11th, I decided to switch off Tom Brokaw finally and read the story on the 1 percent chance that Jacqui wouldn't decide to scrap our entire syllabus and focus on the attacks. (She did, of course.)
I'm glad I read it, as it proved to be very therapeutic. I hadn't cried all day -- the tears were there in my throat, but I couldn't find that trigger to release them (although I do remember getting a bit misty at Tony Blair's remarks, and probably would have let go then if Cara hadn't been watching with me). In the end, it was Paterniti's story that finally did it, even though it wasn't explicitly about what was happening. Maybe that's why it worked. At any rate, I was nearly on the floor, crying in loud, choking sobby manner, and I declared it right away the best piece of journalism I'd ever read. When I'd calmed down a bit, I wrote my feelings about the piece (and 9/11) for Jacqui's class.
I haven't read the story or my thoughts about it since then. I wonder if the story will affect me in the same way -- it probably will, as I haven't had a good cry in a while. But I wonder if I'll feel the same after reading it as I did last year. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.
So this is what I'm doing to mark the 9/11 anniversary, and this is all I'm doing. I refuse to "celebrate America" in any way, am boycotting all media coverage (except will leave news ticker on to allay paranoia), will not turn headlights on, wear black, ribbons, etc., etc. Must go on with normal (albeit slightly paranoid) life as usual.
Was innocently fact-checking at my desk today when breaking news popped up on my CNN news ticker, saying that whoever is in charge of these things had raised the state of alert for possibility of terrorist attack tomorrow. Began to have visions of nuclear obliteration of everything but cockroaches (should be the first things to go, in my opinon, esp. the ones that lurk on my front steps). Also, stared blankly at computer screen while contemplating mortality; e.g. if I die tomorrow, what would I regret? Felt alternately pleased/frustrated with myself that I couldn't seem to think of any big regrets yet was sure there had to be at least one. Finally, told myself that terrorists would have to be pretty stupid to plan attack tomorrow when they know everyone will be kind of expecting it (although wouldn't know exactly how to prepare short of building bunker or trying again to think of regrets).
While I'm on the subject, I have been thinking a lot lately (in between searching for regrets, obviously) about what I am going to do to mark the day. Obviously want to do something, but it must be something meaningful to me, not just turning on headlights, watching Peter Jennings special, etc. So I have decided to do one thing that I did last year, which was read "The Long Fall of One-Eleven Heavy," by Michael Paterniti. This is a story that ran in Esquire a couple of years ago about the crash of a Swissair flight. We were assigned to read it for Jacqui Banaszynski's intermediate writing and were supposed write a reaction to it and then discuss with the class on the 12th. The night of the 11th, I decided to switch off Tom Brokaw finally and read the story on the 1 percent chance that Jacqui wouldn't decide to scrap our entire syllabus and focus on the attacks. (She did, of course.)
I'm glad I read it, as it proved to be very therapeutic. I hadn't cried all day -- the tears were there in my throat, but I couldn't find that trigger to release them (although I do remember getting a bit misty at Tony Blair's remarks, and probably would have let go then if Cara hadn't been watching with me). In the end, it was Paterniti's story that finally did it, even though it wasn't explicitly about what was happening. Maybe that's why it worked. At any rate, I was nearly on the floor, crying in loud, choking sobby manner, and I declared it right away the best piece of journalism I'd ever read. When I'd calmed down a bit, I wrote my feelings about the piece (and 9/11) for Jacqui's class.
I haven't read the story or my thoughts about it since then. I wonder if the story will affect me in the same way -- it probably will, as I haven't had a good cry in a while. But I wonder if I'll feel the same after reading it as I did last year. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.
So this is what I'm doing to mark the 9/11 anniversary, and this is all I'm doing. I refuse to "celebrate America" in any way, am boycotting all media coverage (except will leave news ticker on to allay paranoia), will not turn headlights on, wear black, ribbons, etc., etc. Must go on with normal (albeit slightly paranoid) life as usual.
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