My Own Planet

I suspect the Royer might be behind this.

The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
I had to change the name of this feature again since many of the things I saw last night cannot be described in such one-dimensional terms as "best" or "stupid." No, they are "amazing," for a variety of reasons.

1. Steve and Dave, along with David and Jeff (whoooo? [tm Miss Alli]) thinking they could make a one-hour flight connection between Orly and Charles de Gaulle. From my experience, you'd be cutting it close to make a one-hour connection within the same airport (especially in a huge airport like de Gaulle), not to mention trying to get across the city of Paris. I don't know who told them that was a good idea, but whoever it was is seriously deluded.

2. Jon (of Jon-and-Kelly fame) comparing picking up live eels to touching "a slippery penis." As with the orgasm metaphor last week, this lets me know a little more about Jon's extra-curricular activities than I really cared to.

3. Millie and Chuck doing the Fast Forward at a windmill that just happened to be called the Molen van Sloten. Seriously, did they pick that on purpose and then somehow delay Millie and Chuck so they would be the ones who did the Fast Forward? Because that is almost too perfect. Perhaps "Molen van Virgin" would have been a little more appropriate, but "van Sloten" just adds that little touch of irony, don't you think? From now on, I'm referring to Millie as "Molen van Sloten."

Change: not always a good thing
So everyone who thinks this new Blogger format sucks, raise your hands. Oh, all of you, huh? Hi, Lyndsay!

So my first issue with the Blogger redesign is the redesign itself. I don't usually have a problem with change--except when it comes to redesigns. They just rattle me for some reason. Plus, it always seems like they have little or no purpose, like a magazine that redesigns itself just because they have a new editor-in-chief. On the other hand, one of the magazines I work for just happens to be going through a redesign right now, but the reason is that we're refining our editorial focus, so we're redesigning the layout of the book to reflect the editorial changes. So to recap--redesigns done by me, good; redesigns done by everyone else, bad. Seriously, though, it makes a difference whether you're on the giving or receiving end of the redesign.

Still, I can usually stand redesigns in magazines and even learn to love them after a month or two. Redesigns in software or on the web (and let Adrian strike me down for this) I absolutely hate. Case in point: I am dreading eventually buying a new computer because I hate Word 2000 with such a passion. I am determined to find a way to get Word 97 onto all of my new computers from here on out, because I find Word 97 to be such a far superior product to Word 2000. The problem with Word 2000, and with most software/web redesigns, is that they've added so many new "improvements" that it's actually become more difficult to use. I guess I could just stop being so crotchety and learn how to use the new version, but what's the point? By the time I learn that version, they will have come out with a new, more "user-friendly" version that is even MORE difficult to use! It's a vicious, never-ending cycle invented by Bill Gates specifically to torture me! Damn you, Gates! Was it not enough that you had to torture me freshman year with your econ jokes? Oh, wait, that was your evil twin, Professor Meuser.

Anyway. This is not even the real reason why I hate the Blogger redesign. The real reason is because there is now apparently a limit on how much crap you can post at one time. As you all know, I like to post quite a lot of crap, so this creates a huge problem for me. (In fact, my post from yesterday with the metrosexual quiz probably would have been too long to meet Blogger's stringent new standards. Luckily I got it in right under the wire.) My entire JOB consists of editing stuff down to make it fit in an allotted space, and while that carries its own certain thrill, I always looked forward to the release of being able to write as much as I wanted on my blog and not having to worry about taking the red pen to it. But this new "improvement" has made the blog more like work and less like fun. Boo, Blogger. And hiss, I might add.

I know some of you might disagree with the views I have espoused here. And if you do, well, it's too bad because did I mention my comment feature isn't working today, either? But I know most of you feel my pain. I'd also like to note that my current displeasure with Blogger should not be construed as a desire to switch to LiveJournal. Because as bad as Blogger sucks right now, LiveJournal still sucks harder.

On that note, I shall leave you before I exceed my allotted word limit.

Not that there's anything wrong with that
The recent New York Times article on metrosexuals and its subsequent discussion in our little blogging community has got me thinking. Namely, about what the opposite of a metrosexual would be. I mean, if metrosexuals are those men who gravitate to the finer, more complex pleasures in life, what do you call those who prefer the simple pleasures--like beer, baseball and girls in bikinis? Being the market-trend-analyst-in-the-making that I am, I have coined a term for this type of man.

I call them "meatosexuals."

My prototype for the meatosexual is pretty much based on my former roommate Eric (aka the Sausage King). The meatosexual is a guy who defines himself by his love for doing typically "guy" things--watching sports, drinking beer and, obviously, eating lots of meat. Of course, the term "meatosexual" should not be confused with the ever-popular "meathead." (Nor should it in any way be used to describe Meatloaf.) One should not assume that the meatosexual is just a dumb jerk. Sure, there are members of this group who will fit that description, just as there are members of the metrosexual group who probably fit it as well. These labels are not meant to describe intelligence or attitude, just personal taste. Many meatosexual guys are quite intelligent and caring. Such as Eric. Or Joey on Friends. (Sorry, that's the best famous-person example I could come up with.)

It is my belief that all straight men are either meatosexual, metrosexual or somewhere in between. You've heard of the Kinsey scale, which suggests that most human beings are neither totally heterosexual or homosexual, but rather fall somewhere in between. Well, now I bring you the Clare scale, which applies the same theory to the meato/meto-sexual paradigm. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the most meatosexual and 10 being the most metrosexual, every guy I know falls in there somewhere.

So how do you know which label applies to you? Glad you asked! I have created the following totally unscientific quiz to help all you guys out there determine where you fall on my meato/metro scale. Girls, you might also want to take this quiz, as it could shed some insights on what type of guy you prefer. You can let me know your results if you want, but keep in mind that I have a pretty good idea of where most of you fall on the scale anyway.

Now, on with the quiz!

But first, a disclaimer. As a veteran of many women's-magazine quizzes, I realize how easy it is to cheat on these by deciding which result you want and then picking the answers that you think will give you that result. So if you want to do that, go ahead. Just keep in mind that the more honest you are with your answers, the more accurate your assessment will be. (And guys, if you already knew all this because you too are a veteran of many women's-magazine quizzes, you can just skip the quiz altogether and go directly to "gay.")

OK, now for the quiz!

1. Which of these ladies most closely resembles your ideal woman?
a) Katie Holmes
b) Chloe Sevigny
c) Catherine Zeta-Jones
d) Denise Richards

2. After a long day, which of these dinners really hits the spot?
a) Thai, Indian, Lebanese...whatever the latest ethnic food craze is
b) grilled chicken and a salad
c) an entree with a 30-word title that includes hard-to-pronounce terms
d) a nice big cheeseburger

3. Your musical tastes tend to lean toward...
a) whatever's hot at the moment, be it grunge or rap metal
b) classic rock, baby!
c) obscure indie bands
d) hip-hop and/or electronica--anything you can dance to

4. When it comes to hair care...
a) I stick to the basics: just shampoo and conditioner.
b) Dude, seriously, conditioner? It's strictly shampoo for me, although sometimes I buy that 2-in-1 stuff if I'm feeling fancy.
c) In addition to shampoo and conditioner, I need at least one or two styling products to tame my hair.
d) Hair products? Are you kidding? I wash my hair with Dial soap!

5. If you had to wear just one outfit every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?
a) trousers and a button-down shirt
b) a t-shirt, a pair of hole-y, worn out jeans, and a baseball cap
c) boot-cut jeans and a sweater
d) anything, as long as it includes a label by a well-known fashion designer

6. What's the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon?
a) watching a televised sporting event
b) doing something outdoors, whether it's hiking, picnic-ing, or just tossing a Frisbee around in the park
c) brunch, followed by a trip to the modern art museum
d) curled up with a good book

7. What type of movie are you most likely to go see?
a) a thriller with plenty of action, suspense and plot twists
b) anything starring Rob Schneider or other SNL alums
c) obscure yet critically acclaimed independent films
d) whatever's up for the Oscar that year

8. Which of these magazines do you like to flip through on a regular basis?
a) Rolling Stone or Sports Illustrated
b) The New Yorker or The Atlantic Monthly
c) Maxim or FHM
d) Esquire or GQ

9. How often do you wear cologne?
a) I don't leave home without it
b) Does deodorant count?
c) Only on dates or other special occasions
d) Cologne is for wusses!

10. What's your drink of choice?
a) beer
b) red wine
c) a mixed drink (rum and coke, screwdriver, etc.)
d) a well-aged Scotch

Answer key:
1. a)2 b)4 c)3 d)1
2. a)3 b)2 c)4 d)1
3. a)2 b)1 c)4 d)3
4. a)3 b)2 c)4 d)1
5. a)3 b)1 c)2 d)4
6. a)1 b)2 c)4 d)3
7. a)2 b)1 c)4 d)3
8. a)2 b)4 c)1 d)3
9. a)4 b)2 c)3 d)1
10. a)1 b)3 c)2 d)4

What your score means:

10-17: Full-blown Meatosexual
No offense, but you kind of disgust me.

18-25: Somewhat Meatosexual
You realize you don't have to be "macho" all the time, which is a good start. Still, I suspect you might be holding back on some of your more "feminine" impulses for fear of being pegged a homosexual. Dude, relax!

25-32: Somewhat Metrosexual
Will you marry me? No, really.

33-40: Full-blown Metrosexual
Are you sure you're not gay?

We demand equal representation in fast food commercials!
So last night I saw this commercial that really bugged me. It was one of those new commercials for the Hardee's "six-dollar burger" where a guy, shot in black-and-white, is talking about the great lenghts he goes to to fulfill his daily meat quota. This particular guy was saying that he and his friends went to fast-food joints, bought a bunch of the little cheap burgers and then stacked all the meat patties together on one bun. This commercial bothered me for several reasons, so we'll start with the most trivial ones first.

1. I generally hate commercials and usually channel surf during them. The only reason I didn't was because I was busy making a jean skirt and couldn't be bothered to pick up the remote.

2. The whole "six-dollar burger" moniker has always bugged the crap out of me, especially because they always include the price in the ads, which I believe is $2.99. I get what they're going for with the whole "six-dollar burger" concept, but the tag line "The six-dollar burger; only $2.99" just sounds stupid to me, even if you grasp the concept. Plus, they initially had to spend their entire advertisements explaining the name. To me, that's a sign that the name isn't really working to begin with.

3. It is just incredibly stupid to buy a bunch of the smallest burgers you can get and put them together to make one huge burger. Why wouldn't you just buy, say, two double or triple cheeseburgers if you really want that much meat? I guess the theory is that the smaller burgers are cheaper, but you'd have to buy more of them to acheive the desired effect. When it comes right down to it, these people are not saving money, they're just wasting bread.

4. Finally, we come to my main problem with the six-dollar burger commercial, which is that not one features a woman going on and on about her passion for meat and the lengths she goes to to satisfy her meat cravings. I mean, are there not women out there who can wax poetic about the beauty of a huge-ass burger? I'll admit that I am not one of them--I tend to like my burgers more on the Booche's side of things, and even though I have been known to eat a half-pound burger on occasion (mmm...Flat Branch), it was always with the mild disgust that I was actually consuming a half-pound of meat in one sitting. Still, I am sure there are women out there who don't feel this way. I'm sure there are women who not only down a half-pound of meat without thinking twice, but also relish the opportunity to do so. Come on, people, this is the 21st century! Is it too much to ask that a woman be given equal opportunity to express her love for the mass consumption of meat?!

Such is the extent of my feminist views.

P.S. For those of you who have remained loyal readers of my other project, The Saved by the Bell Blog, there is now new content on our long-neglected site. Hopefully this trend will continue in the future.

The eternal moral dilemma
Yesterday I considered going to church, but instead I decided to watch Driven: Mary-Kate and Ashley on VH1. God is so going to strike me down for that one.

Pancake update
So in case you were wondering, the Summer of the Pancake did not get off to a great start. It turns out that a gas burner with only one heat level is not the ideal environment for cooking pancakes. (Seriously, my burner has two settings, "hi" and "lite," and as far as I can tell, there is no discernible difference between the two.) So anyway, this is going to be the Summer of Some Other As-Yet-Unannounced Thing, and I think I'll allay my pancake cravings at the Original Pancake House down the street from now on.

The best/stupidest thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
First, the best thing, which would be Kelly saying about Millie, "She's like one of those cheerleaders in high school that I used to throw spitballs in their hair." Hee! I had pegged Kelly for the cheerleader type, but knowing that she's actually the throwing-spitballs-at-cheerleaders type made me like her just a little bit more. That is, until...

The stupidest thing I saw last night on the Amazing Race, which would be Kelly insisting on doing the Roadblock before she even knew what the Roadblock was. That has got to be the absolute worst strategy I've ever heard. True, the only clue they got was that the person had to be small enough to fit into a confined space, so Kelly probably would have gotten to do it anyway. But Roadblocks should be assigned based on who the team thinks would be best able to complete the task and not whose turn it is. What are you, three? And if I hear Kelly say one more time that she wants to be 50 percent of the team, I'm gonna throw something at the TV.

Also, I'm not sure I really like Reichen and Chip, but they do come up with some great team nicknames. Calling Monica and Sheree "The Supremes?" Hilarious. Not as good as Weezer & Geezer, though. Too bad we won't get to hear that moniker again. So I guess there was at least one bad thing about Steve and Josh getting eliminated.

Awww...sophomore year
I was feeling a little blue toward the end of the day today, so I decided to go back in my e-mail and read some old messages. One in particular made me smile, and so I will share it with you now in the hopes of bringing joy to all of your bleak existences as well. (I hope the author of the e-mail doesn't mind...)

Fellow Down Under Diner devotees:

As part of my new socially conscious attitude (I'm devoting myself to worthy and not-so-worthy causes -- you may have heard about this), I've decided to tackle the lack of chicken strips at the Down Under Diner. They were just about the only dining hall food that I really liked. I am sort of upset about this. The only one who seems to be happy about the lack of chicken strips is my mom; I ate so many last year that she was afraid I would turn into a chicken strip.

So, in what may have been the most wasted minute-and-a-half of my life, I fired off a quick e-mail to CDS. Here's the response I got, which explains the lack of chicken strips but not the lack of proper punctuation among
CDS employees.

My thought is that DUD should have chicken strips, and if they're really that expensive, they should cost more points. If you join me in my concern about the lack of DUD chicken strips, please write to CDS and let them feel our pain. Even if you don't eat meat (Nikki) or prefer the COUNTRY STEAK AND GRAVY (ugh -- Diana), write to them anyway. You never know. The mashed potatoes might be the next thing to go.

Forward this to anyone else you know that loves DUD. In a year that has been so far filled with emotional turmoil, the changes at the Down Under Diner seem unnecessary. I have many warm and fuzzy memories of time spent with all of you at DUD. The chicken strips have got to return.

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore,
Kate

P.S. The other night they were out of cookies. What's up with that?

And here is the e-mail from CDS that started the whole Grassroots Chicken Strip Movement of 1999:

Dear Ms. Johanns,

Thank you for your comments about Down Under Diners' lunchtime menu. It was developed and implemented in response to our customer requests for more menu variety.

As the semester progresses you will see the addition of several new lunchtime entree additions. In addition, we have several "suprises" planned for the future. I think you will enjoy them.

Chicken tenders were removed from the menu because they were too expensive to continue as a daily entree selection. At this time there are no plans to re-introduce them to the menu. If they are offered; it most likely will be as a one-time special offering. Perhaps somewhere around finals week.

Thanks again for your comments. I am very interested in the thoughts and opinions of Duds' customers. Our aim is to provide food that is "almost as good as grandma's".

Have a good day.

Unfortunately, I no longer have the e-mail in which I told Elliot Pope that if they were to have a chicken strip night at DUD, I would "be there with bells on." Still, I hope you have enjoyed this foray into late-90s nostalgia.

Janice Dickinson's Quote of the Week
"You look like a gazelle in the American Ballet Theatre."

OK, I don't know what kind of weird-ass ballet she's been going to, but I have never been to a ballet that involves wild animals running loose on the stage. Obviously I've been going to the wrong ones.

The runner-up for quote of the week was when she told Kesse she looked like a mental patient/amputee with a penis. Man, they should totally give Janice Dickinson her own show where she just says random shit for an hour. It would be so great!

The best thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
First of all, props to Doug for sending me a tape of last week's episode so I didn't have to miss a moment of the Race as a result of my own stupidity. Not only was I excited to watch Doug's tape to catch up on what happened last week (even though I already knew the result), but I was also excited to get to see some of those great Columbia commercials. So you can imagine my utter shock and dismay when I discovered that Furniture Factory Outlet has canned Earl and Edna and replaced them with some totally non-descript woman who actually says the name of the store correctly at the end of the commercial! The nerve!

Anyway, on to the best thing I saw on The Amazing Race, which would have to be someone remarking, "It smells like ass in here!" as they're running through the sewer. Um, yeah. It's a sewer. That's kind of the point.

Overall, this episode just made me realize that I don't really have strong feelings toward any of the teams this season. I mean, at first I hated the models with the fire of 1,000 Flos, but they haven't done anything particularly heinous in the last couple of episodes. I don't really care for Steve and Josh, but I couldn't really tell you why. Millie and Chuck seem OK, but not spectacular. Kelly and Jon have the potential to grate on my nerves, but they haven't done anything to get there yet. Basically, all the teams are just blah in my mind right now. Of course, all that could change next week when one half of the Steve/Dave team (I don't know which is which) threatens to slash the models' tires. Woo hoo!

I just got a press release in the mail about how this year marks the 50th birthday of WD-40. This made me smile because it reminded me of how, when I was little and obsessed with Star Wars, I would try to teach my grandmother the names of all the characters. But she couldn't remember C3PO, so she called him WD-40.

By the way, did you know that there's an online fan club for WD-40? Yeah, me neither.

Summer of the Pancake
I have a new goal for the summer. I am going to learn how to make pancakes. Then I am going to invent tons of fabulous varieties of pancakes that involve exotic fruits and lots of whipped cream. I hereby declare this The Summer of the Pancake.

The stupidest thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
That would have to be me, thinking The Amazing Race came on at 8:00 instead of 7:00 and therefore missing the first 45 minutes of the show. Damn! But at least I tuned in in time to see Cindy and The Amazing Asshole eliminated from the race, and to catch the previews for next week's episode. Everyone knows that's the best part anyway.

Fun with the passive voice
Lyndsay, at least no one sent you a story about their dead birds.

I scream, you scream
I'm in love. His name is Ben. And Jerry's. Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream. Normally, I'm not a huge fan of B&J because I feel that their ice creams don't have a good enough cream-to-other-stuff ratio. But so far, the Peanut Butter Cup has surpassed my expectations, with plenty of peanut-butter cup chunks (at least one per bite is a good rule of thumb when evaluating this ratio). Plus--here's the best part--it is made with peanut butter ice cream. I know some of you are probably going, "Ew, peanut butter ice cream?!" but trust me, it's not as bad as it sounds. I am normally totally against the appropriation of savoury flavors for sweet snacks (i.e. buttered-popcorn flavor Jelly Bellies), but it works with the peanut butter ice cream. Peanut butter has an inherently sweet flavor that the ice cream somehow brings out. This ice cream is definitely in the top five.

And so on that note...I bring you The Official Top Five Drowning-Your-Sorrows, Break-Out-the-Sarah-McLachlan-CD, Don't-Even-Think-About-Looking-at-the-Nutrition-Label Ice Creams. But first, a disclaimer. I, like many of you, realize that the absolute best ice cream for this purpose is a Shakey's cherry cheesecake concrete. But the idea here is to list ice creams that are widely available, and Shakey's, unfortunately, is not. OK, on with the list.

1. Bluebell Chocolate-Chip Cookie Dough. This is the classic, the tried-and-true standby. Although pretty much every ice cream company makes a version of cookie dough ice cream, none of them can compare to Bluebell. It has the perfect cream-to-dough ratio, and it doesn't hurt that the ice cream itself is fabulous, too.

2. Edy's The Dreamery New York Cheesecake. This is the next best thing to the aforementioned Shakey's concrete. A good cream-to-cake ratio, and the ice cream is cheesecake-flavored with strawberry swirls, so even if you happen to get a bite without a piece of cheesecake in it, it's still pretty good.

3. Ben & Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup. See above. If you've ever had the peanut-butter pie at Cracker Barrell, this tastes exactly like it. Yum.

4. Moose Tracks. Several different companies make Moose Tracks ice cream, and from what I've seen, they're pretty good across the board. Kristen and I used to share cartons of this when we were feeling blue, which always led to an inevitable war over the peanut butter cups and chunks of fudge.

5. Dove/Magnum bars. Simple and timeless. Sometimes you can't always sit down with a pint of ice cream and a spoon--so this is my choice for ice cream comfort on the go. In Europe (where Good Humor is called Magnum), I used to eat these to soothe the stress of travelling. I don't think I've tried the American Good Humor chocolate-covered-vanilla bars, but I find that Dove bars are pretty similar as far as chocolate quality.

Things I learned from watching two full hours of America's Next Top Model

DO participate in contests where the goal is to put on "evening makeup" in 10 minutes, but the only point seems to be to glue the correct number of false eyelashes on your eyes in the allotted time.

DON'T say no to the gay makeup artist. EVER.

If you have food poisoning, DO pretend like you're perfectly fine and go about your normal routine of gruelling exercise and painting garish makeup on yourself.

DON'T call Janice Dickinson ma'am. EVER.

DO attend parties where your sole objective is to be stared down by P. Diddy's mom and some random count.

DON'T forget to wash your hands after greasing yourself up with moisturizer.

If a drag queen in a floor-length fur coat comes to your house in the middle of the night, DO participate in his ba-dunk-a-dunk contest.

DON'T watch any of the series coming out on UPN this fall, especially if they're called Jake 2.0. Seriously, Jake 2.0? I give it exactly one episode before it's cancelled. In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised if, at the 30-minute commercial break, UPN yanked it and put on a re-run of Martin instead.

DO take advice on which reality shows to watch from Kristin Buel.

Then, on The Real World: Paris, Christina and Chris cuddled and called each other "lub dub"s, while Ace walked down the street with a full-sized bottle of whiskey in his back pocket. French culture sure is strange, isn't it?

Word problem
So let's say you're getting ready to put a magazine into production. You have four departments (two of which run in every magazine), one short article, and one huge feature. There's not enough editorial space for everything to go in the magazine. So your art director shrinks the huge feature (a buyer's guide) from 40 pages down to 25, rendering it pretty much unreadable by anyone over the age of 40. Still not enough space. So you cut down all the departments and the short article to the very minimum: one page. But then the author of the short article (who is kinda your boss) says he'd rather take it out completely than have to cut it in half. So you tell the art director to take it out, which he does, and tells sales that they have an extra page to sell. So they sell it. Only he forgot to tell them where the extra page came from. And when you tell them, they say you can't take that article out because they've sold ads based on it. But the page it was supposed to go on is now not available, and besides, your boss refused to let you cut it down to one page anyway. What would you do?

If you answered "scream and pull your hair out," you are correct!

I am using a machete to cut through red tape
I have been so incredibly productive today that I feel like the girl in Cake's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket." (Even though I am actually wearing a relatively long skirt and short jacket today.) But I am definitely touring the facilities and picking up slack! No time for blogging! Must get back to being productive! Woo hoo!

I apologize for the lack of a pie chart...and pie, in general
The following is an analysis of how I allocate my time during a typical workday:

Actually working: 30%
Reading/replying to non-work-related e-mails: 15%
Reading TWoP: 15%
Composing blog entries for own blog(s): 10%
Reading/commenting on the blogs of others: 15%
Going to refill my cup with water from the water fountain: 5%
Going to bathroom as a result of frequent trips to water fountain: 5%
Trying to put hair up with pencil because I left my hair elastic at home: 3%
Pretending to work while listening to CD and gazing blankly into the distance: 2%

Here's something interesting and not at all related: I read in Esquire over the weekend that scientists have discovered that fruit flies are apt to switch their sexual orientation with a change in temperature. That is, the hotter it gets, the gayer they are (naturally). Considering that I refuse to turn my air conditioner on until I absolutely can't stand it and considering that my ceiling fan doesn't blow much air into the kitchen, I would guess that the fruit flies currently inhabiting my apartment are all, well, fruits. It figures.

The best thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
Note the slight change in this feature from last week. Not as much rampant stupidity this week, I thought. Feel free to disagree below.

Back to the subject at hand. The best thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race, and perhaps one of the best things I have seen on The Amazing Race since I got hooked on it last season, was Reichen and Chip (the gay marrieds) nicknaming Steve and Josh (father/son) "Weezer and Geezer." God, that's great. I laughed about it for a good five minutes. Then I continued to laugh throughout the episode whenever I would remember it. In fact, I'm still laughing about it this morning. Funny stuff.

The complete history of my love affair with the library
The other day, I left a comment on Kristin's blog about how the library was one of the great things about being a grown-up. This led Dave to question whether I had been denied the library as a child or if I had somehow managed to forget about the plethora of libraries at Mizzou. Rather than post an excessively long comment on Kristin's blog, I shall answer that question here.

No, I was not denied the library as a child. In fact, I went to the library a lot and always checked out the same two books: one called "Would You Rather?" and one about a group of animals that formed a baseball team, in which the first baseman was a skunk named Stinky Martin. However, when you grow up in a town of 3,000 people, the library is not exactly spectacular. They just did not get new Baby-Sitters Club and Sweet Valley books in often enough. So by the time I hit the fourth or fifth grade, I had pretty much read everything in the library that I wanted to read.

When I first got to Mizzou, I was initially in awe of Ellis Library. It was like my favorite scene in Beauty and the Beast where the Beast gives Belle that huge library full of books. But after a semester or two, I soon began to associate the library with the stress of procrastinating on papers and then freaking out and trying to get them done at the last minute. Don't get me wrong: I still loved winding my way through the stacks, especially that weird little room in the middle with the cages. (I was also in love with the spiral staircase at the J-library.) But the library meant schoolwork, not leisurely pursuits.

When I arrived in Birmingham, I discovered that I could use the library to wean myself from my Barnes and Noble addiction. I was used to going to B&N and salivating over all the pretty new books, knowing that I could never afford to buy them all. But then I went to the library, where I would see the same books--only I could take as many of them as I wanted, and all for FREE! It was like I was discovering the library all over again. Knowing that I had easy access to a seemingly endless supply of good reading material somehow helped ease my transition from college to "the real world." And I think maybe that's how Kristin saw it, too.

Hope that clears things up. I just didn't want anyone thinking I had bad parents who wouldn't let me go to the library.

The week continues to suck...
-In the past two days, I have spent a total of ten hours in meetings. TEN! Of course, while I'm in said meetings, the work is just piling up, willy-nilly, on my desk. I don't feel like dealing with it right now.
-After balancing my checkbook last night, I realized that buying a ticket to the Sing-along Sound of Music (which, by the way, I have been wanting to go to for three years, ever since Dave went when we were living in London) would be extremely detrimental to my bank account. So now my weekend activities have been restricted to anything that is less than $7, which is how much cash I currently have in my wallet. However, regular movie matinees do fall into this category, so we're going to see Down With Love instead, which I guess is the silver lining here.
-Yesterday as I was walking through the park, a greyhound (a dog, not a bus) literally bit me on the butt! What's more, the dog had apparently been eating dirt before it decided to gnaw on me, so I had to walk all the way home with big muddy teeth marks on my butt. The dog's owner offered this sentiment by way of apology, "Did she bite you on the butt? Sorry, I didn't teach her that trick!" OK, lady. Next time you might want to teach your dog NOT to bite people on the butt. Or, if your dog is pre-disposed to butt-biting, I would suggest NOT LETTING IT RUN LOOSE AROUND A PUBLIC PARK.

Whew. Sorry. Just for the record, I am not writing so much about my sucky week just for the sake of complaining. I am doing it so that the next time anyone says, "Did you ever have one of those weeks where everything just seems to go wrong?" I will have actual evidence of that fact.

Jen Moeller would be horrified
Last night for dinner, I had a California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizza, which was pretty tasty. However, I made the mistake of reading the back of the box, where I discovered their attempt to use "pizza" as a verb. As in, "It's a cool new way to pizza." Gaaaaaaah!

Silver lining
I have managed to talk Sallie into going to the Sing-along Sound of Music with me this weekend.

Reasons why today is worse than yesterday
-Apparently my car is going to require new spark-plug wires, which will cost $160. Stupid, stupid car! What did I ever do to you? Wait, don't answer that.
-I made the new fruit-fly trap, but all it seems to be doing is making my entire apartment smell like vinegar. Lovely.
-It's gray and raining and yucky again. And I left my umbrella in my car at the dealership.

Reasons why today sucks
-It's Monday.

-I managed to get a paper cut between my thumb and forefinger.

-After I spent approximately $300 fixing my car last month ($140 for a new alternator, $60 to get a random Mexican guy to install it, $70 to get the people at the dealership to figure out why my check engine light had been coming on, which ended up being because the faulty alternator was screwing up my car's computer, which they reset), it had been doing fine, relatively speaking. Until this morning, when the check engine light came on again--in, I might add, the exact same location on my drive to work where it had come on the previous two times. Anyway, now I have to take my car back to the dealership and spend another $70 to figure out what's wrong with it because, as they tell me every time I call, the check engine light could indicate one of about 6,000 problems. How helpful. I hate you, car!

-When drawing up a budget to see if I could afford another car, I realized that if I do get a new car (or even a newer used car), I can say good-bye to the good life of trying to earnestly pay off my credit card debt, buying a couch, upgrading to a bigger apartment, being able to buy whatever I want at the grocery store instead of having to subsist solely on grilled cheese sandwiches, getting any new clothes ever again, being able to take vacations and just generally having a social life.

-My kitchen has been invaded by fruit flies. Sallie gave me some advice to trap them by putting some fruit in the bottom of a cup and then putting a funnel over the top of the cup, which she claimed would work because the fruit flies would not be able to figure out how to get back out of the funnel. Well, apparently the fruit flies here in Alabama are a lot smarter than the ones she used to have to deal with in Florida, because they totally know how to get into and out of the funnel. So basically, instead of creating a fruit-fly trap, I have created a fruit-fly breeding paradise, and now when I walk into my kitchen, I am greeted with a swarm of fruit flies that is nearly Biblical in proportions. The good news is that I researched fruit-fly solutions on the Internet this morning, and apparently a combination of dish soap and vinegar will do them in. However, I don't have any vinegar, which brings me to the next reason why today sucks.

-I have to go to the store, because I refused to go to the store after I got back from my weekend at home because of the shoddy Sunday-night selection. Not only do I not feel like going to the store after a long day at work, I also have no idea what to buy. I have been eating frozen organic meals because I can't bring myself to cook, but after watching Nigella this weekend, I've decided that I need to get back into the habit of cooking, like I used to during the summers in college. However, because of the fruit-fly problem, I am reluctant to go into the kitchen. Also, I only know how to cook like 3 things.

-I was excited to find out last week that there is a YMCA only a block from my house that has a swimming pool. However, when I called today about membership prices, I found that it cost way more to join than I expected--specifically, a $100 sign-up fee, and then $44 a month. Good God! I thought the YMCA was supposed to be cheap--I was banking on about a $25-30 a month charge, if that. I'm going to call and get prices for some other health clubs, although if this is what the YMCA charges, I'm not holding out much hope. I need a pool! I cannot be expected to continue walking up and down mountains in 90-degree heat!

-What I really need to do tonight is cook a healthy meal for myself, wash all of my dishes that didn't get washed in the last dish-washing extravaganza, do laundry, unpack my suitcase, hang up all the clothes that have been thrown haphazardly on my chair, clean out the old non-working fruit-fly traps and make a new vinegar-and-soap fruit-fly trap. What I really want to do is eat some cookie-dough ice cream, spend the entire evening watching episodes of Dawson's Creek that I taped off of TBS and pretend the rest of my life doesn't exist. Oh, God, I'm self-medicating with WB series again. This does not look good.