My Own Planet

How much more proof do you need?

The other night, I was talking with Kate on the phone when she happened to mention that her brother had recently visited the mythical Delaware. Naturally, my first question was, "Did he get any pictures?" As a resident of Texas, Kate's brother is not technically part of the conspiracy and would be able to provide satisfactory photographic evidence of Delaware's existence. Sadly, Kate reported that he did not bring any pictures home. The conspiracy must have gotten to him before I could.

However, she did share with me his one lasting impression of Delaware: "He said there were a lot of Sbarros." I was very intrigued by this. "Do you mean free-standing Sbarros?" I asked incredulously. Kate revealed that this is indeed what she meant. Free-standing Sbarros. It boggles the mind. I mean, have you ever seen a free-standing Sbarro, independent of a mall or airport food court? No, I didn't think so. And do you know why? Because they don't exist. Just like Delaware.

She must be stopped

And by "she," I of course mean Brittany Murphy. You know, I haven't always harbored such an intense loathing of Brittany Murphy. In fact, there was a time in the not-so-distant past when I actually liked her. OK, maybe like is too strong a word. But there definitely was a time when I found her not quite as annoying as I do now. You know, back when she was on The Torkelsons, or whatever the name of the show was after Dorothy Jane's mom got remarried and they had to move out of their nice Victorian house and go live with Brittany Murphy and the guy that's on every show (Jason Marsden). And she was perfectly tolerable in Clueless, although it occurs to me that perhaps her mastery of that role was due to the fact that playing someone really dumb wasn't such a stretch for her.

But then, somewhere along the line, someone decided that Brittany Murphy could carry her own romantic comedy. This quite possibly might have been the worst decision of all time. First there was Uptown Girls, a movie that I never intended to see but avoided even more carefully after reading Chase's scathing review of it. And then there was Little Black Book, a movie that, against my better judgment, I went to see last night.

My friend Danielle had free passes to the sneak preview, and, even though we both knew going in that the movie was going to suck, we hoped that perhaps Ron Livingston's presence could redeem it somewhat. Oh, how wrong we were. Ron Livingston cannot help this movie. In fact, there is nothing that can help this movie--not even a completely random cameo by Gavin Rossdale, the man who captured my 17-year-old heart. It's just that gut-wrenchingly awful.

So, in light of my unfortunate mistake, I'd like to issue the following public-service announcement, in hopes that it may be helpful to you now and in the future: Friends don't let friends watch Brittany Murphy movies.

The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race

For once, it's not about Mirna. (Although it really could be, with her completely ludicrous statement that Collin is a criminal. A criminal! Intense and freaky, yes. But criminal? Hardly. This is just great. Not only has Mirna decreed it morally reprehensible to treat this race like...um, a race, she's now actually made it into a crime. My GOD.)

Hey, speaking of God, let's take a quick break in the Mirna tirade to actually talk about the most amazing thing on last night's episode of The Amazing Race, which would be the second consecutive Completely Hilarious Brandon and Nicole Religious Moment. (You know, when this show is over, those two should really consider doing a program on TBN called "The Brandon and Nicole Religious Moment.") I didn't mention last week's Brandon and Nicole Religious Moment because...well, I kind of missed it. But oh, I saw this one. And oh, it was awesome. This week's Religious Moment consisted of Brandon and Nicole on the phones, trying to "screw" (a debatable point of view that we'll debate later) their alliance by booking an earlier flight. Mid-"screw," the cameraman pans over to a bunch of nuns coming down an escalator, accompanied by the traditional church-choir "Ahhhhh!" sound effect. Quite the hilarious juxtaposition--but the thing is, I don't believe Brandon and Nicole were actually doing anything wrong. I'm sure Mirna wouldn't agree with me, of course, because what they were doing was treating this like a race. Marshall and Lance, somewhat ironically, also seemed to take the Mirna point of view on this one. In fact, only Kim seemed to be able to comprehend the whole race concept when she said, "I can't be mad at them. They're just playing the game." Good job, Kim! Now can you explain it to the others?

Slices of heaven
I have a new addiction: dried mangoes. Yes, dried mangoes. I had never heard of such a thing until I went to the grocery store yesterday, where they seemed to be calling out to me on the shelf. Much like the fig preserves, they are a little taste of heaven, in sugary, preserved-fruit form.
 
I have always been a big fan of dried fruit. We ate lots of dried fruit at my house when I was little (even prunes, which seems kind of gross to me now). Even with all this dried fruit consumption, though, my mother refused to buy my sister and me the one thing we most desired--a Ronco food dehydrator. (In all fairness, though, the reason we wanted it had very little to do with dried fruit and a lot to do with our fondness for the infomercial.)
 
However, I haven't really had much dried fruit since my age advanced beyond the single digits. That all changed yesterday when I saw the dried mangoes. How perfect is this, I thought. My favorite fruit (and, according to the back of the package, the most popular fruit in the world, a fact that I find somewhat astonishing and also highly suspect), dried into a sugary, chewy, almost candy-like form. I gave in to my desire and bought the bag of dried mangoes. And then I ate the whole thing. (Not in one sitting, mind you. And in my defense, it was a really small bag.)
 
So now I'm addicted. And this is not a cheap addiction, either. A bag of the dried mangoes costs $2, which I realize is not quite as expensive as some other addictions (i.e. heroin), but in my current situation, it's definitely more than I can afford, particularly given the rate with which I can consume a bag. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to do with the mangoes what I've done to beat all my other food-related addictions (Lemon Spritzers, Twizzlers): over-indulge. Either that, or I'm going to have to invest in a mango tree and a Ronco food dehydrator.

What I learned from reading the Keira Knightley Cosmo interview
Apparently, Keira and I used to live in the same borough in England. (She still lives there, but I don't, obviously.) Isn't it a wonder I never ran into her at the local Starbucks? Of course, she wasn't exactly famous back then, so maybe I did run into her and just didn't realize it. Then again, Posh Spice and Jerry Hall both lived in my borough, too, and I never ran into either of them.

The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
Ah, the karma of chocolate. So sweet, yet so fleeting. While it was highly enjoyable to watch Marshall and Lance get passed by team after team at the Roadblock, their karma was apparently not bad enough to allow Jim and Marsha to overcome their complete ineptitude at booking flights and beat the Brothers Jerk to the pit stop. The good news is, Marshall and Lance are now in last place, and we can only hope that karma will keep biting them in the ass for being the asses that they are.
 
And while it's there, perhaps it can nibble a little on Mirna, too. While she's not pure evil like the brothers are, she still holds the distinction of quite possibly being the dumbest person ever to run this race. So it should come as no surprise that she once again wins the honor of "the most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race" with her complete and utter inability to understand the whole "race" concept. I mean, it's only natural that alliances will form, when said alliance is mutually beneficial to both parties involved. However, it's also natural to expect that those alliances will be broken just as quickly. They are not lifelong friendships! You're competing against these peope! So stop getting all self-righteous and indignant when someone doesn't help you. I have to say, I think this is the one reality show where that whole "I'm not here to make friends" adage (favored by bitchy Bachelor contestants the world over) holds true. Yeah, if someone knowingly tries to sabotage you, it's probably OK to be mad at them. And if someone says they'll do something for you (like buy airline tickets) and then doesn't do it, it's OK to be a little peeved. But if someone passes you on the highway? Don't hold a grudge. Just...you know, drive faster.

Moving on, I find it somewhat disturbing that the twins seem to relish coming to the finish line in various states of undress. Last time, quite inexplicably, they had both stripped down to their sports bras. This time, they were wearing just the bras and underwear, and were sopping wet to boot. Why is it that every reality show I love must eventually turn into low-grade lesbian porn?

Fan mail
Yesterday, I received not one, but two pieces of actual mail, from Doug and Holly. Part of me wondered if they coordinated their mail efforts. If not, it was certainly a happy coincidence (getting mail makes me want to talk like Jane Austen, apparently), and one that softened the blow of the bills that made up the rest of the bulk in my mailbox.

As I sat down to read Holly's lovely letter (into which she tucked some mermaid stickers, yay!), I felt like I was back in the fourth grade, eagerly devouring some long-awaited missive (seriously, Jane Austen) from my pen pal. No one sends actual letters any more. We send birthday cards and postcards, but never really multiple-page, handwritten letters. We should all strive to be more like Holly! And Jane Austen.

Note: The above should not be construed as a dismissal of Doug's postcard, which was also lovely. It just didn't fit with the theme of this particular soapbox.

Worse than a monster in my closet
On the heels of my very frightening Matt LeBlanc/DaVinci Code dream, the scary occurrences at bedtime continue. The other night, I found myself unable to sleep, so I decided to amuse myself by seeing how much of the movie version of Bridget Jones's Diary I could replay in my head. I made it to the middle of Bridget and Daniel's minibreak weekend before I lulled myself to sleep. The scary part is not that I made it so far into the movie, but rather the alarming accuracy with which I was able to recite most of the lines. In fact, and I have not yet checked this against the movie, but I am fairly certain that I only ommitted one snippet of a scene (the part where Bridget wedges herself into the "scary stomach holding-in panties") and one line (the part where Daniel asks if they have to sit around in little boats and read poetry to each other on the minibreak).

It's truly frightening how many times I have seen this movie. I often find myself quoting lines from the film. Indeed, there are several particularly quotable lines, like: "At times like these, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable." And although I do find lines like these particularly useful at times, it's usually some completely random line that I can be found repeating. For example, when I get a phone call that I'm not expecting or at an odd time of the day, I'll say, "Who could be calling now?" Or I'll use certain phrases, like "current career crisis" and "very bad start to the year." And once, completely inexplicably, I found myself looking into my bathroom mirror and saying, "Clearly, the weakness of their case lies in the deposition they made on August 30th."

It's a sickness, I'll admit. But I take some comfort in the fact that I'm not the only person who does this. Once, when I was at my internship, my friend Amy was frustrated by something and said, "Does nothing work outside London? Apparently not!" She had to explain to everyone else listening (who were all like "London? Whaaa?") that it was a quote from Bridget Jones. I, however, got the reference right away.

Things you should not do before bed
-Read The DaVinci Code
-Watch Friends
-Do both at the same time

If you do, it could cause you to have a dream in which someone is trying to kill you, and the only person who can decipher the secret clues and find out the identity of your potential killer before he does away with you is...your boyfriend, Matt LeBlanc.

Scary stuff.

The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
Ah, the interesting interpretations of the Spanish language continue. The most amazing thing in last night's episode would have to be everyone's reactions to the disco in Montevideo. My favorite reaction, I think, was military dad's: "I ain't never seen a fooooam cluuuub before!" Hello? Have these people never watched the Freddie Prinze Jr. movie Boys and Girls? No? That was just me? (Incidentally, the "foam club" scene in that movie gets my vote for Best Spontaneous Choreographed Dance Sequence in a Freddie Prinze Jr. Movie. And those of you who have seen She's All That know it had some pretty tough competition.) Anyway. I also enjoyed Mirna's assessment that "the prostitute will know where the disco is!" What the hell does she think goes on in a disco?

Finally, sweet relief came at the end of the episode as Allison and Donny were eliminated. I can't say that I really love any of the other teams yet, but my hatred for Donny and Allison had already become pretty severe. If I had to listen to one more minute of their berating each other, I was going to pull my hair out. And I won't even go into the fact that, as Holly pointed out, Allison shouldn't have even been allowed to be on the show in the first place. Good riddance, you two. I give it two weeks before we see them both searching for new partners on Elimidate.

Not that learning to surf isn't a good goal...
But I've realized that I need to set goals for myself that are slightly more attainable in my current situation. Of course, getting a job is still my number-one goal, but I need a few other goals to occupy my time while I am job hunting. Here are some I've thought of so far.

1. Get in really awesome shape. I figure that, while I have all this free time on my hands, I should be working out as much as I possibly can so that, by the time I actually get a job, I will be in really great shape and won't have to spend so much of my precious free time working out. To that end, I have decided to jump-start my current fitness routine by walking around my neighborhood both in the morning and in the evening instead of just one or the other. Also, after seeing Britney Spears' appearance on Ellen Degeneres' show, I have put myself on the Britney Spears stomach-cruch routine. Or rather, I am trying to put myself on the Britney Spears stomach-crunch routine. Apparently Britney does 500 to 1,000 stomach crunches a day. Currently I only do 100, but I am slowly working my way up to 500. (Let's be honest--I'm never going to make it to 1,000). Which brings me to my next goal...

2. To get on Ellen. Not as a guest, although that would be very cool. But it would require me to somehow become famous and, though I do have a lot of free time, that would take much more effort that I'm willing to expend right now. No, my plan is to appear on the segment of Ellen's show entitled "What Are You Doing While You're Watching?" It just so happens that I have always done my stomach crunches while watching Ellen. So I'm going to write in and tell her the story of how I was motivated by Britney's appearance on the show to start the Britney Spears stomach-crunch routine. Hopefully Ellen will find this so inspiring that she will read my letter and show my picture on the show. Of course, by the time she actually gets around to doing new shows, I'll probably have a job and won't be able to see myself on the show.

Better now
It's amazing how far free food and drag queens can go to improving one's mood.

On Saturday night, my friends Chris and Lee took me to my first-ever drag show to, as Chris put it, "get you some culture." And while I can't say that it specifically cheered me up, it certainly did provide some much-needed distraction. Plus, I realized that being a drag queen might be the best career out there. I mean, all you have to do is put on fancy clothes and strut around and take money from people. Could I have found my new calling? Probably not. For one thing, I'm not a man. And for another, all that pan makeup can't be good for one's complexion.

The next day, my parents came into town and took me out for dinner (and out for lunch today). A nice break from grilled cheese sandwiches, I must say.

However, more than the free food and the drag queens, there was one thing that happened this weekend that managed to snap me out of my funk. Yesterday when I was swimming in the pool at my parents' hotel, this little kid thought I was a mermaid. I was swimming by underwater, and when I surfaced, I heard him say to his dad, "Look, there's that mermaid!" It was adorable. And being a mermaid is more important than any job out there.

The bad news
So here's a list of some things that I want:

1. A job
2. A boyfriend
3. To learn how to surf

So far, I have exactly zero of these things. Not only that, it is becoming increasingly obvious that I will probably never have any of these things while I am still living in central Alabama (particularly the surfing thing, although the others aren't looking too promising, either).

I found out yesterday that I got rejected from a job that I really, really, really wanted (like, enough to apply for it before I'd even been laid off from my last job). Needless to say, this is depressing me. A lot. I've been through all the usual tried-and-true methods to help me get over it (bubble bath, frozen pizza, Natalie Merchant, Bridget Jones, tequila), and so far, nothing's really helping.

I feel like it might be time for some grand gesture, like buying a villa in Tuscany or moving across the country to be near the boy I have a crush on. But the thing is, even if I had any trips planned to Tuscany, there's no way I could afford to buy a villa. And the boy I have a crush on just happens to work in the very library where I sit typing this (which happens to be only a few miles from my apartment). Plus, I'm afraid those grand gestures really only work on TV and in the movies--not in real life.

Still, I'm wondering if maybe now is the right time to start my publishing company. Preferably somewhere where there's good surfing. (Which counts Delaware out. Sorry, Dave.)

The good news
OK, enough with the depressing stuff. Here's something fun: Pictures from Kate's and my Fourth of July adventure are now up. Enjoy!

The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
With the beginning of Interesting Interpretations of the Spanish Language: Part 5 (also known as The Amazing Race, Season 5), we herald the return of one of my favorite features.

The most amazing things from last night's premiere come to us courtesy of Mirna, the non-little person half of the little person team, and quite possibly the dumbest person to ever walk the face of the earth. Mirna's first feat of amazement was her proud declaration that "We can do this all by ourselves! We don't need help from anyone!" as a local trailed along beside them, carrying their backpacks. Perhaps the huge slab of raw beef was eclipsing him from her view or something.

However, far more amazing than that was the scene in which Mirna begged Charla to stay in the casino at the detour for "just one round of blackjack," adding, "We can double our money!" Hmm, gambling problem, anyone? Fortunately, Charla was able to talk her out of it. You know, I really hope they're not counting on Mirna making up in brain power what Charla lacks in height because...well, that's just not gonna happen.

Holy crap
Until I started reading archives of my blog from last Fourth of July, I had completely forgotten that the Amazing Race premieres tonight. Whew! That was a close one! I don't want Doug to have to bail me out again.

Blogging resolutions
So some of you (and by "some of you," I mean Heather. Repeatedly.) have brought to my attention the fact that, because I am unemployed and have nothing better to do, I should be updating my blog constantly, or at least more than once a week. And I agree. I mean, why do something productive like search for jobs or complete my freelance assignments when I can be preparing lengthy posts on the excruciating minutiae of my daily life? After all, some of you might be bored to tears at your jobs and in need of the daily distraction I provide. I mustn't disappoint you! So starting now, I shall try to be a better blogger. Actually, make that starting tomorrow. I'm still recovering from the weekend.

In the meantime, you can amuse yourselves by checking out the pictures from the Excellent Adventure, which are now up on the site.