Wednesday, July 30, 2003
The real reason I like watching The Real World: Paris
Just in case you were wondering, the real reason why I enjoy The Real World: Paris has nothing to do with the fabulous Paris setting, the zany "characters" or the "riveting" "plotlines."
The real reason why I like watching The Real World: Paris is because of the way, at the end of the credits, Chris says his line: "And staht gettin' reeeeeeeel." Not only do we get the extreme Boston accent, but he also says it in this growly voice for some reason. Anyway, it freaking cracks me up every time I hear it. And then I proceed to crack myself up for the rest of the night by doing my own impression of Chris saying this line. I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself.
In fact, if I can figure out how to work that feature where you call and update your blog from your cell phone (provided that I even have that feature on my low-tech blog), I'm going to leave you all an audio message with my Chris impression on it so you can crack up as well. If that doesn't work, I will call each and every one of you and do the Chris impression. It's that funny.
Would you look at that? Last week, I said I would never blog about The Real World: Paris, and here I have gone and done it two weeks in a row. Why? Because my life is a meaningless void that I fill with cable television, of course!
Just in case you were wondering, the real reason why I enjoy The Real World: Paris has nothing to do with the fabulous Paris setting, the zany "characters" or the "riveting" "plotlines."
The real reason why I like watching The Real World: Paris is because of the way, at the end of the credits, Chris says his line: "And staht gettin' reeeeeeeel." Not only do we get the extreme Boston accent, but he also says it in this growly voice for some reason. Anyway, it freaking cracks me up every time I hear it. And then I proceed to crack myself up for the rest of the night by doing my own impression of Chris saying this line. I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself.
In fact, if I can figure out how to work that feature where you call and update your blog from your cell phone (provided that I even have that feature on my low-tech blog), I'm going to leave you all an audio message with my Chris impression on it so you can crack up as well. If that doesn't work, I will call each and every one of you and do the Chris impression. It's that funny.
Would you look at that? Last week, I said I would never blog about The Real World: Paris, and here I have gone and done it two weeks in a row. Why? Because my life is a meaningless void that I fill with cable television, of course!
Monday, July 28, 2003
Monday blues
It's not even lunch yet, and already:
-I overslept this morning by 30 minutes because I set both of my alarms for the same time and not in 15-minute increments like they're supposed to be. (But I still made it to work only 5 minutes late...woo hoo!)
-I managed to, without realizing it, get a paper cut on my finger.
-I found out that our art director quit last Friday...and we just happen to have two issues (not to mention media kits) going into production in the next week or so.
On the plus side, though, I found a fun new reality show last night. It's on ABC Family, and it's called Perfect Match. The premise of the show is that 25 single women (eventually, I fear that they're going to deplete the stock of 25 single women) audition before a panel composed of two of the lucky bachelor/bachelorette's friends and a relationship counselor. The panel then picks three people, each of whom will move into the lucky bachelor/bachelorette's apartment for a week. Then at the end of the show, the lucky bachelor/bachelorette gets to pick which person they want to continue dating. So basically, it's an amalgamation of every single reality dating show out there...only the whole saga plays out in just an hour, and the next episode, they start over with someone else. I like that.
My parents also have a new favorite reality show--Monster House, on the Discovery Channel. Apparently it is a decorating show similar to Trading Spaces, only they decorate each house with its own theme (castle, tropical, etc.). I'm confused about where the whole "monster" moniker comes into play, though. Maybe the houses are really big? I don't know.
Anyway, my parents are completely obsessed with this show. It's all they ever talk about! Every time I call, all they can say is, "Did you watch Monster House yet? Did you watch Monster House yet?" Yesterday during our weekly Sunday phone call, they informed me that there was going to be a Monster House marathon tonight on the Discovery Channel. They would not let me off the phone until I promised to put a Post-It note on my TV screen to remind myself to watch it. So tonight, apparently, I will be watching Monster House. Oh, and the finale of Surf Girls! Thank God I got my free cable back.
It's not even lunch yet, and already:
-I overslept this morning by 30 minutes because I set both of my alarms for the same time and not in 15-minute increments like they're supposed to be. (But I still made it to work only 5 minutes late...woo hoo!)
-I managed to, without realizing it, get a paper cut on my finger.
-I found out that our art director quit last Friday...and we just happen to have two issues (not to mention media kits) going into production in the next week or so.
On the plus side, though, I found a fun new reality show last night. It's on ABC Family, and it's called Perfect Match. The premise of the show is that 25 single women (eventually, I fear that they're going to deplete the stock of 25 single women) audition before a panel composed of two of the lucky bachelor/bachelorette's friends and a relationship counselor. The panel then picks three people, each of whom will move into the lucky bachelor/bachelorette's apartment for a week. Then at the end of the show, the lucky bachelor/bachelorette gets to pick which person they want to continue dating. So basically, it's an amalgamation of every single reality dating show out there...only the whole saga plays out in just an hour, and the next episode, they start over with someone else. I like that.
My parents also have a new favorite reality show--Monster House, on the Discovery Channel. Apparently it is a decorating show similar to Trading Spaces, only they decorate each house with its own theme (castle, tropical, etc.). I'm confused about where the whole "monster" moniker comes into play, though. Maybe the houses are really big? I don't know.
Anyway, my parents are completely obsessed with this show. It's all they ever talk about! Every time I call, all they can say is, "Did you watch Monster House yet? Did you watch Monster House yet?" Yesterday during our weekly Sunday phone call, they informed me that there was going to be a Monster House marathon tonight on the Discovery Channel. They would not let me off the phone until I promised to put a Post-It note on my TV screen to remind myself to watch it. So tonight, apparently, I will be watching Monster House. Oh, and the finale of Surf Girls! Thank God I got my free cable back.
Saturday, July 26, 2003
The day the cable came back from the dead
When I got home from work yesterday afternoon, I turned on the TV to find that my free cable was back. So apparently it was just a routine cable outtage and not the life-altering trauma I took it to be. Still, I've decided that I'm going to keep the antenna just in case such a situation should arise again in the future. Because it's not like I can call the cable company and say, "Hey, the cable I'm not paying for is out! You need to fix it!"
Of course, there was still one unfortunate side effect of the whole cable-outtage drama, which was that I didn't get to tape my two daily episodes of Dawson's Creek from TBS yesterday. They re-ran one of the two this morning, so I was able to get it on tape, but I'll have to wait until the next rotation to see episode 517: "Highway to Hell." I just have a sinking feeling that this episode is going to be my new Moby Dick of WB melodramas, since in two weeks, barring any more cable outtages or other natural disasters, I will finally get to see Felicity episode 48: "Hello, I Must Be Going" (or, as I like to call it, "The one where Julie goes apeshit and leaves the show"). Yeah, so much for getting a life.
When I got home from work yesterday afternoon, I turned on the TV to find that my free cable was back. So apparently it was just a routine cable outtage and not the life-altering trauma I took it to be. Still, I've decided that I'm going to keep the antenna just in case such a situation should arise again in the future. Because it's not like I can call the cable company and say, "Hey, the cable I'm not paying for is out! You need to fix it!"
Of course, there was still one unfortunate side effect of the whole cable-outtage drama, which was that I didn't get to tape my two daily episodes of Dawson's Creek from TBS yesterday. They re-ran one of the two this morning, so I was able to get it on tape, but I'll have to wait until the next rotation to see episode 517: "Highway to Hell." I just have a sinking feeling that this episode is going to be my new Moby Dick of WB melodramas, since in two weeks, barring any more cable outtages or other natural disasters, I will finally get to see Felicity episode 48: "Hello, I Must Be Going" (or, as I like to call it, "The one where Julie goes apeshit and leaves the show"). Yeah, so much for getting a life.
Friday, July 25, 2003
The day the cable died
It seems that, after seven months, my blissful days of free cable have come to an end. Sniffle. It's probably just as well, though. I was starting to get freaked out by those commercials where Bob Costas tells you you're going to go to jail if you're not paying for your cable. Just so you know, I haven't been arrested yet. But just in case, if you happen to receive a call from me, please take it. You could be my one-phone-call person!
Anyway, before I get to this week's Most Amazing Thing I Saw Last Night on The Amazing Race, let me recap for you the amazing race that I personally embarked upon after discovering my sudden lack of cable.
6:00 p.m. I turn on the TV to watch syndicated Friends. Am met with snow.
6:01 p.m. I turn TV off and unplug TV and VCR because cable has been known to act weird in the past when I turn on the VCR too fast but can usually be fixed by unplugging.
6:02 p.m. Plug TV and VCR back in. Still snow.
6:03 p.m. Try various configurations between TV, VCR and cable, with no effect.
6:06 p.m. Unplug TV, VCR and cable. Take trash out, giving cable some time to work its magic.
6:10 p.m. Before re-entering apartment, I say a prayer that cable will be fixed. Consider making a bargain with God that if He will turn cable back on for The Amazing Race, I will call cable company and start paying for cable immediately. Decide against making such bargain, as I know there's no way in hell I would ever keep up my end of it.
6:11 p.m. Plug TV, VCR and cable back in. Snow.
6:12 p.m. Start to realize maybe I have lost my free cable. Contemplate asking neighbors if their cable is out, but decide the odds of that are probably slim, as it is a perfect, sunshine-y day. Besides, do not know neighbors and approaching them in such manner would probably only reinforce status as possible cable thief.
6:13 p.m. Call my friend Mary Beth (who turned me on to the Race in the first place) to see if I can come over and watch it with her. Get "phone has been disconnected" message. Realize I never got her new number after she moved.
6:14 p.m. Call Mary Beth's cell. Get voice mail. Consider leaving a message but decide against it, figuring by the time she gets it, it will be too late.
6:15 p.m. Flip through TV channels to see which I can pick up without cable. Try various configurations of TV/VCR, but can only pick up NBC, PBS and FOX.
6:17 p.m. Decide to buy TV antenna. Debate whether to go to sketchy ghetto Wal-Mart, which is closer, or Target, which is nicer (and where I know approximately where the TV antennas are located) but farther. Remember I only have $9 in bank account and so must go to Target where I can charge antenna on my Target card.
6:21 p.m. En route to Target, get in lane of slow traffic. Switch lanes suddenly and nearly get rear-ended by Mercedes.
6:35 p.m. Arrive at Target. Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al" is on radio, and my favorite line is coming up ("He looks around, around/He sees angels in the architecture/Spinning in infinity/He says, 'Hey, hallelujah'") but force myself to get out of the car before it comes on. To compensate, I sing the rest of the song as I'm walking through the parking lot.
6:37 p.m. Find antenna aisle. Decide on moderately priced antenna that looks reasonably like the one I had at my apartment in college that my sister stole from me and then broke. Briefly curse sister for stealing and breaking my antenna.
6:39 p.m. Find suitably short checkout line. Wait impatiently as woman in front of me discusses merits of Celine Dion CD with checker. Resist eye-roll. Wait even more impatiently as she uses new credit card machine for first time and marvels over it.
6:41 p.m. Back in car. Head for home.
6:48 p.m. Get in slow lane of traffic. Make sudden lane change and nearly get rear-ended by Toyota 4Runner.
6:54 p.m. Curse man walking across crosswalk for slowing me down while turning onto my street.
6:55 p.m. Parallel park quite badly.
6:57 p.m. Arrive back at my apartment. Check to see if cable has miraculously returned. It has not.
6:58 p.m. Furiously tear antenna out of box and begin hooking it up to VCR.
6:59 p.m. Flip to CBS channel. Nothing. Flip through channels on VCR and discover that I still only get PBS, NBC and FOX. Announcer on FOX teases new episode of Keen Eddie. I begin to cry, thinking my lack of cable will now relegate me to watching Keen Eddie.
7:00 p.m. Hook antenna up directly through TV. Begin flipping through channels. Discover that I get more channels with this configuration! Hold breath...
7:01 p.m. Flip to CBS. The reception is perfect! And Phil is still in the midst of recapping last week's episode! Success!
Whew. Even though that story had a happy ending, I am still saddened when I contemplate the ways lack of free cable will affect life as I know it. To wit:
-I will no longer get to watch my MTV shows (Road Rules, Real World, Surf Girls. Gasp! The Surf Girls finale is Monday! Hmm, hopefully I can talk Sallie into letting me come over to her apartment to watch it.)
-I will not get to find out who VH1's 200 greatest pop culture icons of all time are (although I must say I didn't totally agree with the list up to this point).
-No more fun E! shows like "Gwyneth Paltrow Love Chain" and "The Fabulous Life of Britney Spears."
-Now when I don't have plans on a Saturday night, I won't have Trading Spaces to fall back on.
-No more obsessively taping Dawson's Creek from TBS in the mornings and then watching it on weekends or on slow TV nights in an attempt to achieve goal of watching every single episode. And I was only like 8 episodes away from the goal! How tragic.
-I will never get to see the episode of Felicity where Julie goes apeshit and leaves the show. This episode has been on WE countless times, but every single time it has been on, I have had some previous engagement, so it is the only episode of Felicity I haven't seen. A few months ago, I got so fed up with not having seen this episode that I set my VCR to tape it. And wouldn't you know, the sound went out on the tape halfway through the episode! Since then, I have patiently sat through another roatation of the four seasons of Felicity, just waiting for it to come back on. And now, when we're merely a week away from that episode's next airing, the cable goes out. It's like the universe does not want me to see it.
-Most tragically, the lack of free cable means no more SBTB in the mornings. Which means I can't write any more recaps for The SBTB Blog. And just when good episodes were coming on again after a week of nothing but Miss Bliss and Tori. Oh, the anguish!
I guess I could look at the lack of cable as a good thing, reasoning that it will force me to go out and get a social life. But the fact of the matter is, most of my friends are just as TV-obsessed as I am. So what will probably happen is that I'll mooch off of their cable until they eventually come to resent me and stop being friends with me.
Actually, I am thinking about getting my cable back--and paying for it this time, of course. I could probably get the networks and a few of the basic auxiliary channels (i.e. TBS) for not that much money a month. However, I'm looking at moving into a bigger apartment in about three months, so it seems like a better idea to wait to get cable until I change apartments. Until then, I think I can survive. Or at the very least, I can get by with a little help from my friends.
Anyway. After that lengthy tangent, it is now time for...
The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
-Apparently in Malaysia, cows just lounge around in the road in the middle of the night. And not just one random cow here and there. They ALL do it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Malaysia rocks!
-Kelly and Jon's comeback truly was amazing. Of course, due to the wonders of editing, it's hard to know how far behind they really were in the first place. But considering that they got lost at the first clue box and then drove to the Fast Forward only to find that it had been taken, I'd say pretty far. Regardless, their competition with Millie and Chuck at the Roadblock was tense. Most TAR endings usually are tense, but again, you never know how much of that is due to editing. In this instance, you could actually see Jon inching past Chuck. I was a little disappointed, though, that the foot race at the end wasn't a bit more competitive. I expected to see Kelly grabbing Millie by her ponytail and shoving her down or, you know, Jon throwing an elbow at Chuck or something. In the end, though, I was pleased with the outcome. Although I am constantly put off by Jon's sexual metaphors, Millie was really starting to grate on my nerves. I had been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt even after Miss Alli turned on her way back in Austria. She had been slowly starting to annoy me for a few episodes now, but this one was the clencher, as her whining seemed to reach Flo-like proportions. Plus, I like Kelly. Why? Because she used to throw spitballs at cheerleaders! And Chuck really does resemble a werewolf. It was starting to scare me.
It seems that, after seven months, my blissful days of free cable have come to an end. Sniffle. It's probably just as well, though. I was starting to get freaked out by those commercials where Bob Costas tells you you're going to go to jail if you're not paying for your cable. Just so you know, I haven't been arrested yet. But just in case, if you happen to receive a call from me, please take it. You could be my one-phone-call person!
Anyway, before I get to this week's Most Amazing Thing I Saw Last Night on The Amazing Race, let me recap for you the amazing race that I personally embarked upon after discovering my sudden lack of cable.
6:00 p.m. I turn on the TV to watch syndicated Friends. Am met with snow.
6:01 p.m. I turn TV off and unplug TV and VCR because cable has been known to act weird in the past when I turn on the VCR too fast but can usually be fixed by unplugging.
6:02 p.m. Plug TV and VCR back in. Still snow.
6:03 p.m. Try various configurations between TV, VCR and cable, with no effect.
6:06 p.m. Unplug TV, VCR and cable. Take trash out, giving cable some time to work its magic.
6:10 p.m. Before re-entering apartment, I say a prayer that cable will be fixed. Consider making a bargain with God that if He will turn cable back on for The Amazing Race, I will call cable company and start paying for cable immediately. Decide against making such bargain, as I know there's no way in hell I would ever keep up my end of it.
6:11 p.m. Plug TV, VCR and cable back in. Snow.
6:12 p.m. Start to realize maybe I have lost my free cable. Contemplate asking neighbors if their cable is out, but decide the odds of that are probably slim, as it is a perfect, sunshine-y day. Besides, do not know neighbors and approaching them in such manner would probably only reinforce status as possible cable thief.
6:13 p.m. Call my friend Mary Beth (who turned me on to the Race in the first place) to see if I can come over and watch it with her. Get "phone has been disconnected" message. Realize I never got her new number after she moved.
6:14 p.m. Call Mary Beth's cell. Get voice mail. Consider leaving a message but decide against it, figuring by the time she gets it, it will be too late.
6:15 p.m. Flip through TV channels to see which I can pick up without cable. Try various configurations of TV/VCR, but can only pick up NBC, PBS and FOX.
6:17 p.m. Decide to buy TV antenna. Debate whether to go to sketchy ghetto Wal-Mart, which is closer, or Target, which is nicer (and where I know approximately where the TV antennas are located) but farther. Remember I only have $9 in bank account and so must go to Target where I can charge antenna on my Target card.
6:21 p.m. En route to Target, get in lane of slow traffic. Switch lanes suddenly and nearly get rear-ended by Mercedes.
6:35 p.m. Arrive at Target. Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al" is on radio, and my favorite line is coming up ("He looks around, around/He sees angels in the architecture/Spinning in infinity/He says, 'Hey, hallelujah'") but force myself to get out of the car before it comes on. To compensate, I sing the rest of the song as I'm walking through the parking lot.
6:37 p.m. Find antenna aisle. Decide on moderately priced antenna that looks reasonably like the one I had at my apartment in college that my sister stole from me and then broke. Briefly curse sister for stealing and breaking my antenna.
6:39 p.m. Find suitably short checkout line. Wait impatiently as woman in front of me discusses merits of Celine Dion CD with checker. Resist eye-roll. Wait even more impatiently as she uses new credit card machine for first time and marvels over it.
6:41 p.m. Back in car. Head for home.
6:48 p.m. Get in slow lane of traffic. Make sudden lane change and nearly get rear-ended by Toyota 4Runner.
6:54 p.m. Curse man walking across crosswalk for slowing me down while turning onto my street.
6:55 p.m. Parallel park quite badly.
6:57 p.m. Arrive back at my apartment. Check to see if cable has miraculously returned. It has not.
6:58 p.m. Furiously tear antenna out of box and begin hooking it up to VCR.
6:59 p.m. Flip to CBS channel. Nothing. Flip through channels on VCR and discover that I still only get PBS, NBC and FOX. Announcer on FOX teases new episode of Keen Eddie. I begin to cry, thinking my lack of cable will now relegate me to watching Keen Eddie.
7:00 p.m. Hook antenna up directly through TV. Begin flipping through channels. Discover that I get more channels with this configuration! Hold breath...
7:01 p.m. Flip to CBS. The reception is perfect! And Phil is still in the midst of recapping last week's episode! Success!
Whew. Even though that story had a happy ending, I am still saddened when I contemplate the ways lack of free cable will affect life as I know it. To wit:
-I will no longer get to watch my MTV shows (Road Rules, Real World, Surf Girls. Gasp! The Surf Girls finale is Monday! Hmm, hopefully I can talk Sallie into letting me come over to her apartment to watch it.)
-I will not get to find out who VH1's 200 greatest pop culture icons of all time are (although I must say I didn't totally agree with the list up to this point).
-No more fun E! shows like "Gwyneth Paltrow Love Chain" and "The Fabulous Life of Britney Spears."
-Now when I don't have plans on a Saturday night, I won't have Trading Spaces to fall back on.
-No more obsessively taping Dawson's Creek from TBS in the mornings and then watching it on weekends or on slow TV nights in an attempt to achieve goal of watching every single episode. And I was only like 8 episodes away from the goal! How tragic.
-I will never get to see the episode of Felicity where Julie goes apeshit and leaves the show. This episode has been on WE countless times, but every single time it has been on, I have had some previous engagement, so it is the only episode of Felicity I haven't seen. A few months ago, I got so fed up with not having seen this episode that I set my VCR to tape it. And wouldn't you know, the sound went out on the tape halfway through the episode! Since then, I have patiently sat through another roatation of the four seasons of Felicity, just waiting for it to come back on. And now, when we're merely a week away from that episode's next airing, the cable goes out. It's like the universe does not want me to see it.
-Most tragically, the lack of free cable means no more SBTB in the mornings. Which means I can't write any more recaps for The SBTB Blog. And just when good episodes were coming on again after a week of nothing but Miss Bliss and Tori. Oh, the anguish!
I guess I could look at the lack of cable as a good thing, reasoning that it will force me to go out and get a social life. But the fact of the matter is, most of my friends are just as TV-obsessed as I am. So what will probably happen is that I'll mooch off of their cable until they eventually come to resent me and stop being friends with me.
Actually, I am thinking about getting my cable back--and paying for it this time, of course. I could probably get the networks and a few of the basic auxiliary channels (i.e. TBS) for not that much money a month. However, I'm looking at moving into a bigger apartment in about three months, so it seems like a better idea to wait to get cable until I change apartments. Until then, I think I can survive. Or at the very least, I can get by with a little help from my friends.
Anyway. After that lengthy tangent, it is now time for...
The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
-Apparently in Malaysia, cows just lounge around in the road in the middle of the night. And not just one random cow here and there. They ALL do it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Malaysia rocks!
-Kelly and Jon's comeback truly was amazing. Of course, due to the wonders of editing, it's hard to know how far behind they really were in the first place. But considering that they got lost at the first clue box and then drove to the Fast Forward only to find that it had been taken, I'd say pretty far. Regardless, their competition with Millie and Chuck at the Roadblock was tense. Most TAR endings usually are tense, but again, you never know how much of that is due to editing. In this instance, you could actually see Jon inching past Chuck. I was a little disappointed, though, that the foot race at the end wasn't a bit more competitive. I expected to see Kelly grabbing Millie by her ponytail and shoving her down or, you know, Jon throwing an elbow at Chuck or something. In the end, though, I was pleased with the outcome. Although I am constantly put off by Jon's sexual metaphors, Millie was really starting to grate on my nerves. I had been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt even after Miss Alli turned on her way back in Austria. She had been slowly starting to annoy me for a few episodes now, but this one was the clencher, as her whining seemed to reach Flo-like proportions. Plus, I like Kelly. Why? Because she used to throw spitballs at cheerleaders! And Chuck really does resemble a werewolf. It was starting to scare me.
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Christmas in July
It seriously is like Christmas around here. One of the magazines changed its name, so they're handing out the stockpile of promotional goodies with the old name on them. So far I've received a leather messenger bag, a notepad holder, one of those silver insulated coffee mug thingies, a light-up yo-yo, a rubber duckie (Kate, I snagged one for you, too) and a pen with bubbles in it. What could be next?!
It seriously is like Christmas around here. One of the magazines changed its name, so they're handing out the stockpile of promotional goodies with the old name on them. So far I've received a leather messenger bag, a notepad holder, one of those silver insulated coffee mug thingies, a light-up yo-yo, a rubber duckie (Kate, I snagged one for you, too) and a pen with bubbles in it. What could be next?!
The addiction continues...
On the recommendation of two of the world's most renowned reality experts, I decided to check out Cupid last night. And boy, is it a great show! First of all, it's got another bachelorette who, while she seems partial to the Hayley Arp Official Facial Expression of Blank Shock, is also well-schooled in the Tina Fabulous Art of Kicking Much Ass. As in, she took the guys skeet-shooting and then managed to out-do them all by hitting every one of her targets. Oh, and she looked fabulous while doing it. Very cool. There's also a Poor Man's Arnold Schwarzenegger who sang karaoke and tried to untie her bikini top. Oh, and let us not forget the bitchy friends! Actually, I'm not too excited about the bitchy friends. In fact, I really kind of hate the bitchy friends. But Brian McFayden, aka the cutest MTV News anchor ever, is the host! Although in his latest incarnation as reality-TV host, I find him a little Seacrest-ish, which is disturbing. But I guess it could have been worse--they could have stuck us with Kurt Loder or, God forbid, Chris Connelly.
Speaking of Seacrest, did you know they're letting him do commercials now? I take this as a sign of the apocalypse.
On the recommendation of two of the world's most renowned reality experts, I decided to check out Cupid last night. And boy, is it a great show! First of all, it's got another bachelorette who, while she seems partial to the Hayley Arp Official Facial Expression of Blank Shock, is also well-schooled in the Tina Fabulous Art of Kicking Much Ass. As in, she took the guys skeet-shooting and then managed to out-do them all by hitting every one of her targets. Oh, and she looked fabulous while doing it. Very cool. There's also a Poor Man's Arnold Schwarzenegger who sang karaoke and tried to untie her bikini top. Oh, and let us not forget the bitchy friends! Actually, I'm not too excited about the bitchy friends. In fact, I really kind of hate the bitchy friends. But Brian McFayden, aka the cutest MTV News anchor ever, is the host! Although in his latest incarnation as reality-TV host, I find him a little Seacrest-ish, which is disturbing. But I guess it could have been worse--they could have stuck us with Kurt Loder or, God forbid, Chris Connelly.
Speaking of Seacrest, did you know they're letting him do commercials now? I take this as a sign of the apocalypse.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Reasons why last night's episode of The Real World: Paris rocked
So I usually don't blog about The Real World: Paris, as I prefer to leave that subject in the capable hands of my good buddy Chase. But last night's episode was awesome, for a couple of reasons.
1. Chris: "Do you think I need a haircut?"
Christina: "You've needed a haircut since, like, the '80s."
2. Mallory and Simon totally got drunk and made out! They're friends! And they got drunk and made out! And the next day, they didn't have to have The Big Important Conversation About What It All Means! Better yet, neither of them had to sit around wondering if the other person was going to call to have The Big Important Conversation About What It All Means or if they were just going to awkwardly avoid each other for the rest of their lives! Why? Because he's gay!
This is freaking genius. This is exactly what I need: a cute gay friend who will get drunk with me and then make out with me. Bonus points if he'd be willing to snuggle once in awhile, say on rainy mornings or Sunday afternoons. Of course, I would still let him sleep with other boys.
So I am now accepting applications for a gay best friend/drunken make-out and snuggle partner. Metrosexuals and/or those confused about their sexuality need not apply. Bisexuals will be considered. Bisexual ex-boyfriends...not so much.
So I usually don't blog about The Real World: Paris, as I prefer to leave that subject in the capable hands of my good buddy Chase. But last night's episode was awesome, for a couple of reasons.
1. Chris: "Do you think I need a haircut?"
Christina: "You've needed a haircut since, like, the '80s."
2. Mallory and Simon totally got drunk and made out! They're friends! And they got drunk and made out! And the next day, they didn't have to have The Big Important Conversation About What It All Means! Better yet, neither of them had to sit around wondering if the other person was going to call to have The Big Important Conversation About What It All Means or if they were just going to awkwardly avoid each other for the rest of their lives! Why? Because he's gay!
This is freaking genius. This is exactly what I need: a cute gay friend who will get drunk with me and then make out with me. Bonus points if he'd be willing to snuggle once in awhile, say on rainy mornings or Sunday afternoons. Of course, I would still let him sleep with other boys.
So I am now accepting applications for a gay best friend/drunken make-out and snuggle partner. Metrosexuals and/or those confused about their sexuality need not apply. Bisexuals will be considered. Bisexual ex-boyfriends...not so much.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Regressing
Today for lunch, I ate a PB&J sandwich and Jell-O, which I believe is the exact same lunch I used to take every day in kindergarten. But back then, I used to drink milk out of a thermos, and today I had Coke out of a can. For those planning their own kindergarten-style regressions, here are a few tips: Sara Lee Honey White bread is excellent, and I don't even like white bread. Also, sugar-free Jell-O sucks. But the only Jell-O cups they had at the store were sugar-free. Come on, people! This is America! Do we not have a right to a sugar-filled gelatin snack in an individual plastic cup?!
Today for lunch, I ate a PB&J sandwich and Jell-O, which I believe is the exact same lunch I used to take every day in kindergarten. But back then, I used to drink milk out of a thermos, and today I had Coke out of a can. For those planning their own kindergarten-style regressions, here are a few tips: Sara Lee Honey White bread is excellent, and I don't even like white bread. Also, sugar-free Jell-O sucks. But the only Jell-O cups they had at the store were sugar-free. Come on, people! This is America! Do we not have a right to a sugar-filled gelatin snack in an individual plastic cup?!
Friday, July 18, 2003
The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
-Chip and Reichen's dubious decision to follow a somewhat sketchy Indian travel agent an hour away from the airport on the slight chance that they could get on an earlier flight to Malaysia. I'm all for forging your own path rather than just blindly following the group, but it seems smarter to do it the way Millie did, by working the phones at the airport during her downtime. Of course, both of those teams ended up getting onto the earlier flight through Kuala Lumpur in their own respective ways, so I guess no harm was done. Oh, except for the fact that Chip and Reichen being in the travel agent's office brought back painful memories of Flo screeching, "Why, Zack, Whhhyyyyy? Why do these things always happen to uuuusssssss?" when they were trying to book tickets to Hawaii last season.
-Jon saying to Kelly, "Just stick the thing in your mouth and blow as hard as you can!" Can we please get through ONE episode without Jon making some sort of vaguely disgusting sexual metaphor? Apparently not.
-Kota Kinabalu. What a great name for a city. Come to think of it, so is Kuala Lumpur. Malaysia rocks.
-Chip and Reichen's dubious decision to follow a somewhat sketchy Indian travel agent an hour away from the airport on the slight chance that they could get on an earlier flight to Malaysia. I'm all for forging your own path rather than just blindly following the group, but it seems smarter to do it the way Millie did, by working the phones at the airport during her downtime. Of course, both of those teams ended up getting onto the earlier flight through Kuala Lumpur in their own respective ways, so I guess no harm was done. Oh, except for the fact that Chip and Reichen being in the travel agent's office brought back painful memories of Flo screeching, "Why, Zack, Whhhyyyyy? Why do these things always happen to uuuusssssss?" when they were trying to book tickets to Hawaii last season.
-Jon saying to Kelly, "Just stick the thing in your mouth and blow as hard as you can!" Can we please get through ONE episode without Jon making some sort of vaguely disgusting sexual metaphor? Apparently not.
-Kota Kinabalu. What a great name for a city. Come to think of it, so is Kuala Lumpur. Malaysia rocks.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
"It's when you, like, realize the, like, component of weirdness in a situation"
Julie, did you ever stop to think that maybe the fact that nothing in "Ironic" is actually ironic is the real irony of the song? This thought just occurred to me last week, and whoa. It is mind-boggling. What kind of games is Alanis Morissette playing with us?
Of course, I have always felt that "ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife" could reasonably be considered ironic, which refutes this theory because if Alanis Morissette were really trying to make a meta-statement about irony by singing about a bunch of things that weren't ironic, she can't just throw one ironic thing into the mix. So the song is probably just as stupid as everyone says it is. Not to mention totally to blame for the rampant worldwide misuse of the word "ironic."
Bonus: I will send one dollar to the first person who can tell me the originator of the quote I used for my title.
Julie, did you ever stop to think that maybe the fact that nothing in "Ironic" is actually ironic is the real irony of the song? This thought just occurred to me last week, and whoa. It is mind-boggling. What kind of games is Alanis Morissette playing with us?
Of course, I have always felt that "ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife" could reasonably be considered ironic, which refutes this theory because if Alanis Morissette were really trying to make a meta-statement about irony by singing about a bunch of things that weren't ironic, she can't just throw one ironic thing into the mix. So the song is probably just as stupid as everyone says it is. Not to mention totally to blame for the rampant worldwide misuse of the word "ironic."
Bonus: I will send one dollar to the first person who can tell me the originator of the quote I used for my title.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
My dad just called and informed me that he and my mom have returned from a trip to Wal-Mart, where they blew up pictures of the dog to give to my sister and me. Yeah, they obviously have way too much time on their hands. At least they didn't frame them.
Note: Editing articles about concrete is much more fun if you're watching VH1's special on Hollywood bad girls while you're doing it. Of course, I had to fight the urge to entitle one of the articles "The Wild and Wonderful World of Waterproofing."
Friday, July 11, 2003
Meat Extravaganza for President!
I know it's a little early in the game to be throwing my support to any of the candidates for the Democratic primary, seeing as I currently know very little about their positions on...well, anything, really. All I know is what I read about each prospective primary candidate in this month's Esquire article, "Democrats in Their Natural Habitats." And what I read about Dick Gephardt is that he likes to make Meat Extravaganza.
Meat Extravaganza is a dish (the only dish) that Diana used to make, from a recipe she got from Jody Sowell. Meat Extravaganza is just about the most artery-clogging food you can make, involving chicken, beef, bacon and cream of mushroom soup. We never could remember what the proper name of the dish was, so Diana usually called it "Jody Chicken" or "That Jody Thing" until someone (Erik Petersen, I believe) came up with the name "Meat Extravaganza," and it stuck. Mind you, when referring to the dish, you must say it in an announcer-type voice (Meat! Ex-TRAV-a-GAN-za!), preferably while waving your arms around.
Anyway. Last night as I was reading about Gephardt, I learned that he and his family like to make a dish they call "party chicken." When the contents of "party chicken" were revealed, I soon realized that it was Meat Extravaganza, under an alias. I was pleased to see that one of the traditions of Dumas 201 was alive and well in the Gephardt household. I wonder if he also got the recipe from Jody Sowell.
However, I cannot give Gephardt my full support until he agrees to drop this "party chicken" nonsense and refers to the dish as Meat Extravaganza (with proper inflections, of course). Sure, "party chicken" conjures up some fairly humorous images, but it just does not have the pizazz of "Meat! Ex-TRAV-a-GAN-za!" Once I see Gephardt publicly declare his love for Meat Extravaganza, I will give him the full endorsement of this blog.
Until then, this blog is also considering endorsing John Edwards because he's hot.
I know it's a little early in the game to be throwing my support to any of the candidates for the Democratic primary, seeing as I currently know very little about their positions on...well, anything, really. All I know is what I read about each prospective primary candidate in this month's Esquire article, "Democrats in Their Natural Habitats." And what I read about Dick Gephardt is that he likes to make Meat Extravaganza.
Meat Extravaganza is a dish (the only dish) that Diana used to make, from a recipe she got from Jody Sowell. Meat Extravaganza is just about the most artery-clogging food you can make, involving chicken, beef, bacon and cream of mushroom soup. We never could remember what the proper name of the dish was, so Diana usually called it "Jody Chicken" or "That Jody Thing" until someone (Erik Petersen, I believe) came up with the name "Meat Extravaganza," and it stuck. Mind you, when referring to the dish, you must say it in an announcer-type voice (Meat! Ex-TRAV-a-GAN-za!), preferably while waving your arms around.
Anyway. Last night as I was reading about Gephardt, I learned that he and his family like to make a dish they call "party chicken." When the contents of "party chicken" were revealed, I soon realized that it was Meat Extravaganza, under an alias. I was pleased to see that one of the traditions of Dumas 201 was alive and well in the Gephardt household. I wonder if he also got the recipe from Jody Sowell.
However, I cannot give Gephardt my full support until he agrees to drop this "party chicken" nonsense and refers to the dish as Meat Extravaganza (with proper inflections, of course). Sure, "party chicken" conjures up some fairly humorous images, but it just does not have the pizazz of "Meat! Ex-TRAV-a-GAN-za!" Once I see Gephardt publicly declare his love for Meat Extravaganza, I will give him the full endorsement of this blog.
Until then, this blog is also considering endorsing John Edwards because he's hot.
The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
-David (of David and Jeff) referring to his genitals as "the friendly family," and Kelly (of Kelly and Jon) referring to hers as her "cookie." Where did these two learn about the facts of life--Sesame Street?
-A roadblock in which one member of the team got dragged through what essentially amounted to bull shit. Poetic justice at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.
-David and Jeff having a cab driver named Money. Somehow this made me like them a lot more. I just regret that they did not seize the opportunity to tell him, "You're so money and you don't even know it."
As much as I hated Tian and Jaree in the beginning, they were really starting to grow on me. I think it was when Jaree said, "I want us to be the first women's team to win the race, really." You could have taken that "really" to mean two things, in my opinion: 1) That they "really" wanted to win the race, or 2) That they would "really" be the first women to win the race because Flo didn't count (either because she had a male partner or because she was, you know, Flo). I took it to mean the latter, and my opinion of their team just soared. I'm sorry they had to go.
-David (of David and Jeff) referring to his genitals as "the friendly family," and Kelly (of Kelly and Jon) referring to hers as her "cookie." Where did these two learn about the facts of life--Sesame Street?
-A roadblock in which one member of the team got dragged through what essentially amounted to bull shit. Poetic justice at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.
-David and Jeff having a cab driver named Money. Somehow this made me like them a lot more. I just regret that they did not seize the opportunity to tell him, "You're so money and you don't even know it."
As much as I hated Tian and Jaree in the beginning, they were really starting to grow on me. I think it was when Jaree said, "I want us to be the first women's team to win the race, really." You could have taken that "really" to mean two things, in my opinion: 1) That they "really" wanted to win the race, or 2) That they would "really" be the first women to win the race because Flo didn't count (either because she had a male partner or because she was, you know, Flo). I took it to mean the latter, and my opinion of their team just soared. I'm sorry they had to go.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
I bet Justin would read Sleep Magazine!
Justin, I have to say, I don't think falling asleep in History of American Journalism is necessarily a sign of narcolepsy. It's more like a sign of...being in History of American Journalism. Although if your class was taught by Bonnie "Nails on a Chalkboard" Brennen and you still managed to drift off...well, yeah, your narcolepsy might be pretty serious.
Justin, I have to say, I don't think falling asleep in History of American Journalism is necessarily a sign of narcolepsy. It's more like a sign of...being in History of American Journalism. Although if your class was taught by Bonnie "Nails on a Chalkboard" Brennen and you still managed to drift off...well, yeah, your narcolepsy might be pretty serious.
Caution: Redbook is dangerous
Apparently, while Wal-Mart is perfectly OK with people buying guns at their stores, they have some apprehensions about women's magazines, namely Redbook. Because we all know how dangerous women can be when armed with tips on how to seduce their husbands! It's good to see that Wal-Mart is doing its part to uphold the official motto of America: Sex bad; violence good.
Apparently, while Wal-Mart is perfectly OK with people buying guns at their stores, they have some apprehensions about women's magazines, namely Redbook. Because we all know how dangerous women can be when armed with tips on how to seduce their husbands! It's good to see that Wal-Mart is doing its part to uphold the official motto of America: Sex bad; violence good.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Janice Dickinson's Quote of the Week
Ah, the last installment of this feature. There was no Janice Dickinson quote last week because a) I did not watch my tape of America's Next Top Model until the weekend, and therefore could not blog about it and b) she didn't say anything particularly quotable for once in her life. But fortunately, last night, they ran some never-before-seen Janice Dickinson footage from last week. I had hoped they would make the first episode of "never-before-seen footage" just an entire hour of Janice Dickinson saying random shit. But no such luck. The networks never listen to me! This is what's wrong with the world today. Anyway, time for last week's Janice Dickinson's Quote of the Week.
"If that's her attitude, she shouldn't be in modeling. She should be working at Avis." --Janice on...Shannon? Elyse? I can't remember. And I assume she's talking about the car rental place, which is just so random. I guess when people can't make it in the world of modeling, they go into...car rental?
They also replayed the part where Janice told Kesse she looked like a mental patient/amputee with a penis. Classic!
On to the Janice Dickinson quote from the actual finale, where I found this exchange between Janice and Adrianne to be quite humorous:
Adrianne: "I love Janice Dickinson!"
Janice: "I didn't vote for you."
I think it was all in the delivery. Seriously, they should give this woman her own show. I'd watch it! All in all, I was very pleased that Adrianne won. Out of all the girls, I felt she was the one who really deserved it (as much as it can be deserved, as I do agree with Elyse's fabulous statement that "no one has a God-given right to a modeling contract"). She wanted it the most, and to me, she was, to crib a word from Sex & the City, the "modeliest," both in looks and personality. Didn't she say she started experimenting with drugs at 13? If that's not model behavior, I don't know what is.
Ah, the last installment of this feature. There was no Janice Dickinson quote last week because a) I did not watch my tape of America's Next Top Model until the weekend, and therefore could not blog about it and b) she didn't say anything particularly quotable for once in her life. But fortunately, last night, they ran some never-before-seen Janice Dickinson footage from last week. I had hoped they would make the first episode of "never-before-seen footage" just an entire hour of Janice Dickinson saying random shit. But no such luck. The networks never listen to me! This is what's wrong with the world today. Anyway, time for last week's Janice Dickinson's Quote of the Week.
"If that's her attitude, she shouldn't be in modeling. She should be working at Avis." --Janice on...Shannon? Elyse? I can't remember. And I assume she's talking about the car rental place, which is just so random. I guess when people can't make it in the world of modeling, they go into...car rental?
They also replayed the part where Janice told Kesse she looked like a mental patient/amputee with a penis. Classic!
On to the Janice Dickinson quote from the actual finale, where I found this exchange between Janice and Adrianne to be quite humorous:
Adrianne: "I love Janice Dickinson!"
Janice: "I didn't vote for you."
I think it was all in the delivery. Seriously, they should give this woman her own show. I'd watch it! All in all, I was very pleased that Adrianne won. Out of all the girls, I felt she was the one who really deserved it (as much as it can be deserved, as I do agree with Elyse's fabulous statement that "no one has a God-given right to a modeling contract"). She wanted it the most, and to me, she was, to crib a word from Sex & the City, the "modeliest," both in looks and personality. Didn't she say she started experimenting with drugs at 13? If that's not model behavior, I don't know what is.
Monday, July 07, 2003
The good:
-My Fourth of July consisted of homemade ice cream, sitting on a dock and dipping my toes into a lake while gazing at the stars, and lots of twirling around with a sparkler in each hand.
-On Saturday night, Jeff and I went out for martinis, then went back to my apartment and jumped on the bed.
-During the course of the weekend, we watched about 10 episodes of Coupling (and a couple of episodes of Changing Rooms). How patriotic.
-Also, in a span of about 12 hours, we ate at two restaurants with the word "Chez" in their names. Even more patriotic.
-On Sunday after brunch, Jeff let me drive his brand-new convertible around town with the top down. We listened to Bush, and I quickly got over my qualms about singing at the top of my lungs while stopped at a stoplight in a convertible.
The bad:
The weekend is over. Also, I have multiple mosquito bites on my legs as a result of my outdoor frolicking on the 4th.
The ugly:
I only have $13 left in my bank account.
-My Fourth of July consisted of homemade ice cream, sitting on a dock and dipping my toes into a lake while gazing at the stars, and lots of twirling around with a sparkler in each hand.
-On Saturday night, Jeff and I went out for martinis, then went back to my apartment and jumped on the bed.
-During the course of the weekend, we watched about 10 episodes of Coupling (and a couple of episodes of Changing Rooms). How patriotic.
-Also, in a span of about 12 hours, we ate at two restaurants with the word "Chez" in their names. Even more patriotic.
-On Sunday after brunch, Jeff let me drive his brand-new convertible around town with the top down. We listened to Bush, and I quickly got over my qualms about singing at the top of my lungs while stopped at a stoplight in a convertible.
The bad:
The weekend is over. Also, I have multiple mosquito bites on my legs as a result of my outdoor frolicking on the 4th.
The ugly:
I only have $13 left in my bank account.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
All the countries who independent, throw your hands up at me!
Just for the record, I highly condone all holidays that are celebrated with the mass consumption of beer. My weekend officially starts in about 29 minutes (woo hoo!), so I'm just leaving a quick note to let you all know that I'm outta here until next week. (Although I might have to pop in for a quick installment of "The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race." Nah, it can probably wait until Monday.)
Just for the record, I highly condone all holidays that are celebrated with the mass consumption of beer. My weekend officially starts in about 29 minutes (woo hoo!), so I'm just leaving a quick note to let you all know that I'm outta here until next week. (Although I might have to pop in for a quick installment of "The most amazing thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race." Nah, it can probably wait until Monday.)
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Things I learned from watching VH1 Goes Inside The Real World:
-They had to spend an extra $30 to $40K on pixellation during the Hawaii season due to all the nudity.
-Amaya has brown hair now, and it looks a lot better.
-The London season was so incredibly boring that it didn't even make it onto this show--even the part where Neil got his tongue bitten off.
-MTV puts microphones in the headboards of the beds.
-What really happened during the threesome in Miami, in the words of former Miami castmate Mike: "Melissa was the moaner, and every time you heard this [slapping sound], it was Melissa getting spanked by the waitress."
Good fun.
-They had to spend an extra $30 to $40K on pixellation during the Hawaii season due to all the nudity.
-Amaya has brown hair now, and it looks a lot better.
-The London season was so incredibly boring that it didn't even make it onto this show--even the part where Neil got his tongue bitten off.
-MTV puts microphones in the headboards of the beds.
-What really happened during the threesome in Miami, in the words of former Miami castmate Mike: "Melissa was the moaner, and every time you heard this [slapping sound], it was Melissa getting spanked by the waitress."
Good fun.
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