Friday, May 30, 2003
The stupidest thing I saw last night on The Amazing Race
I have a feeling this might become a regular feature.
1. Steve and Dave, the air traffic controllers, riding the moving sidewalk at the Milan airport. First of all, people who ride the moving sidewalk are a pet peeve of mine anyway. Hello, people, this is not Disneyland! It's not a ride! It's designed to help you move through the humongous sprawling mess of the airport that much faster. Riding the moving sidewalk is only acceptable, in my opinion, if you're doing an impression of P. Diddy in the "I'll Be Missing You" video (which I have been known to do on occasion). And second of all, um...what part of "race" do you people not understand??
2. The models, whatever their freaking weird names are, stopping for coffee while trying to get to the next clue. Again, is there some part of the whole "race" concept that is fundamentally unclear to you? They're bound to go down in a blaze of glory over some ridiculous minor technicality, such as the perplexing ride vs. walk dilemma last season. I can't wait!
3. The other Steve (one half of this season's "married parents" couple), saying to his wife, Debra, "Come on, girl!" OK, that is the exact phrase I heard Ian (one half of last season's "married parents" couple) say to his wife, Teri, on several occasions. What is up? I have never, ever heard my dad say "Come on, girl!" to my mom. Then again, they've never raced around the world, so maybe the phrase is exclusive to that situation.
I have a feeling this might become a regular feature.
1. Steve and Dave, the air traffic controllers, riding the moving sidewalk at the Milan airport. First of all, people who ride the moving sidewalk are a pet peeve of mine anyway. Hello, people, this is not Disneyland! It's not a ride! It's designed to help you move through the humongous sprawling mess of the airport that much faster. Riding the moving sidewalk is only acceptable, in my opinion, if you're doing an impression of P. Diddy in the "I'll Be Missing You" video (which I have been known to do on occasion). And second of all, um...what part of "race" do you people not understand??
2. The models, whatever their freaking weird names are, stopping for coffee while trying to get to the next clue. Again, is there some part of the whole "race" concept that is fundamentally unclear to you? They're bound to go down in a blaze of glory over some ridiculous minor technicality, such as the perplexing ride vs. walk dilemma last season. I can't wait!
3. The other Steve (one half of this season's "married parents" couple), saying to his wife, Debra, "Come on, girl!" OK, that is the exact phrase I heard Ian (one half of last season's "married parents" couple) say to his wife, Teri, on several occasions. What is up? I have never, ever heard my dad say "Come on, girl!" to my mom. Then again, they've never raced around the world, so maybe the phrase is exclusive to that situation.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
It seems that lately I can't walk down the street in my neighborhood without garnering the affections of at least one random hippie, derelict or other sidewalk dweller. For instance:
A few weeks ago as I was going to pay my rent, one of the hippies that hangs out on the steps of the Methodist church by my apartment asked me to marry him. I said no. He asked me why not. A great sarcastic quip was eluding me at the moment (naturally), so I just said, "Because I don't want to get married." He kept begging and pleading, so I just put my foot down and quickly headed for the apartment office.
The next incident occurred just a few days ago when I was walking down to the post office to mail some bills. On my way back, I noted a somewhat dirty, unshaven, Danny-DeVito-esque man in a muscle T carrying a duffel bag and walking down the sidewalk toward me. As he passed me, he says in a very smarmy way, "Hey, girl. You look good." Ew. Eeeeeewwww. I nearly threw up right there on the sidewalk. This time I had a sarcastic quip at the ready ("Hey, man. You look physically revolting."), but considering my previous incident with the hippie, I thought it best just to ignore him. Plus, I was kind of unnerved by what he might be carrying in the duffel bag.
The third incident happened just yesterday, as I was walking to the library to return my overdue book. As I passed a couple of random derelicts sitting on a bench, one of them says, "Why are you always mad at me? It's OK; I still love you." I assumed he was talking to me and not his companion (mostly because his companion didn't say anything back), but I'm not sure. I didn't stop to get into a discussion with him about it, as I'm pretty sure I had never seen this man before in my life.
Just for the record, I have nothing against hippies, derelicts and other street dwellers per se (otherwise I wouldn't have chosen to live where I do), but I do really wish they wouldn't all fall in love with me.
A few weeks ago as I was going to pay my rent, one of the hippies that hangs out on the steps of the Methodist church by my apartment asked me to marry him. I said no. He asked me why not. A great sarcastic quip was eluding me at the moment (naturally), so I just said, "Because I don't want to get married." He kept begging and pleading, so I just put my foot down and quickly headed for the apartment office.
The next incident occurred just a few days ago when I was walking down to the post office to mail some bills. On my way back, I noted a somewhat dirty, unshaven, Danny-DeVito-esque man in a muscle T carrying a duffel bag and walking down the sidewalk toward me. As he passed me, he says in a very smarmy way, "Hey, girl. You look good." Ew. Eeeeeewwww. I nearly threw up right there on the sidewalk. This time I had a sarcastic quip at the ready ("Hey, man. You look physically revolting."), but considering my previous incident with the hippie, I thought it best just to ignore him. Plus, I was kind of unnerved by what he might be carrying in the duffel bag.
The third incident happened just yesterday, as I was walking to the library to return my overdue book. As I passed a couple of random derelicts sitting on a bench, one of them says, "Why are you always mad at me? It's OK; I still love you." I assumed he was talking to me and not his companion (mostly because his companion didn't say anything back), but I'm not sure. I didn't stop to get into a discussion with him about it, as I'm pretty sure I had never seen this man before in my life.
Just for the record, I have nothing against hippies, derelicts and other street dwellers per se (otherwise I wouldn't have chosen to live where I do), but I do really wish they wouldn't all fall in love with me.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
I have a library book in my apartment that has been overdue for a week, simply because I keep forgetting to take it down to the library during that brief window of time between when I get home from work (around 5:30) and when the library closes (6:00). I blame this on my library, as it does not have an after-hours drop box. Also, they did not send me a notice in my e-mail like they usually do a few days before a book is due--and of course I lost the little receipt telling me when the book was due. I can only imagine that this is an evil scheme perpetrated by the library to cheat me out of my hard-earned money! (So far, 50 cents.) Damn you, library! I will not be a pawn in this game any longer! I shall return my book this afternoon!
See, isn't this fun? Who needs to blog about reality TV?
See, isn't this fun? Who needs to blog about reality TV?
Six months ago, I was an intern. Now I have an intern to whom I have to assign projects. And she just happens to be a year older than me. The world is a truly bizarre place.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Back to life, back to reality
So I know in my last entry, I said that I would no longer be writing about reality TV. But it seems that my actual life has now become so ingrained with reality TV that there is no separating the two. Strange things keep happening to me in real life that bring me back into the world of reality TV. Witness:
Thursday night was Laura B's last night in Birmingham, so we decided to go out for dinner/margaritas and then go sing karaoke at this bar a few blocks from my apartment. However, we got there kind of early, and Laura, her friends Lisa and Terri and I were the only ones in the bar--except, of course, for the 205 Flava people, who had set up shop in the bar to try and sell some more 205 T-shirts in the wake of Ruben's American Idol victory. And why did they choose this particluar bar, which didn't become much more populated as the night went on? Because Ruben had once sung there in his pre-reality-star days. So yes, now I can say that I've sung in the same bar as Ruben Studdard. Woo hoo!
On Saturday night I was in Atlanta, taking advantage of the long weekend to visit with Nikki. We went out to eat at Maggiano's because, even though it was a chain and not representative of local flavor, it was within walking distance of our hotel. While we waited for a table, we got some drinks at the bar and were chatting about going out, staying out late, etc. I said that the last time I stayed up really late was when Bri came to visit and we were trying to catch Ryan Seacrest's appearance on Blind Date on late-night cable. Anyway. Nikki and I get our table, order our food, etc. As we're eating, our waiter comes back to the table under the premise of the mid-meal check-up. Before he leaves, however, he turns to me and says, "Did you say something about Ryan Seacrest while you were sitting at the bar?" I was like, "Um, yeah..." and the waiter says, "Oh, because I went to high school with him." He proceeds to tell us all about what Ryan was like in high school, how he was kind of a dork but also conceited and because of that, the other kids didn't really like him. Oh, and also he used to read the announcements. Nikki thought the waiter was telling us all of this because he fancied me, but I surmised that he just wanted to take any opportunity to let the general public know that he had a connection to Ryan Seacrest. Which is just really sad.
So I know in my last entry, I said that I would no longer be writing about reality TV. But it seems that my actual life has now become so ingrained with reality TV that there is no separating the two. Strange things keep happening to me in real life that bring me back into the world of reality TV. Witness:
Thursday night was Laura B's last night in Birmingham, so we decided to go out for dinner/margaritas and then go sing karaoke at this bar a few blocks from my apartment. However, we got there kind of early, and Laura, her friends Lisa and Terri and I were the only ones in the bar--except, of course, for the 205 Flava people, who had set up shop in the bar to try and sell some more 205 T-shirts in the wake of Ruben's American Idol victory. And why did they choose this particluar bar, which didn't become much more populated as the night went on? Because Ruben had once sung there in his pre-reality-star days. So yes, now I can say that I've sung in the same bar as Ruben Studdard. Woo hoo!
On Saturday night I was in Atlanta, taking advantage of the long weekend to visit with Nikki. We went out to eat at Maggiano's because, even though it was a chain and not representative of local flavor, it was within walking distance of our hotel. While we waited for a table, we got some drinks at the bar and were chatting about going out, staying out late, etc. I said that the last time I stayed up really late was when Bri came to visit and we were trying to catch Ryan Seacrest's appearance on Blind Date on late-night cable. Anyway. Nikki and I get our table, order our food, etc. As we're eating, our waiter comes back to the table under the premise of the mid-meal check-up. Before he leaves, however, he turns to me and says, "Did you say something about Ryan Seacrest while you were sitting at the bar?" I was like, "Um, yeah..." and the waiter says, "Oh, because I went to high school with him." He proceeds to tell us all about what Ryan was like in high school, how he was kind of a dork but also conceited and because of that, the other kids didn't really like him. Oh, and also he used to read the announcements. Nikki thought the waiter was telling us all of this because he fancied me, but I surmised that he just wanted to take any opportunity to let the general public know that he had a connection to Ryan Seacrest. Which is just really sad.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
And the award goes to...
With the week-long finale of American Idol (of which I watched approximately 3 minutes...but what a great 3 minutes) mercifully coming to an end and Jen and Andrew finally getting to begin their life of deluding themselves that they've formed a lasting relationship until their inevitable breakup on an ABC-televised special, I thought it would be a good idea to celebrate the end of my Wednesday-night marathon reality-TV-watching sessions by giving out a few awards. So without further ado...
Best runner-up: Clay Aiken
True, Clay didn't really have reason to be upset that he didn't win since Clive Davis pretty much told everyone that regardless of who won, RCA was planning to not only produce both of the finalists' albums but also release them on the same day. But he still took it like a champ. Although, come to think of it, he did kind of hog Ruben's spotlight in the aftermath. But Ruben is a man of few words, and someone has to fill those gaping silences--better Clay than Ryan Seacrest. And it's not like he even comes close to our winner for...
Worst runner-up: Kirsten
Real shocker here. It's like she's trying to see how many times she can get Andrew to tell her he doesn't love her on national TV. Go away, Kirsten! I swear, if I have to, like, hear you, like, speak, like, one more time, I'm gonna, like, gouge my eyeballs out!
Best kiss: Tim and Nicole
Awwwww. That was so sweet, in a junior-prom kind of way. It's best to try and forget the fact that these two are in college, and it shouldn't take them 5 freaking weeks to kiss each other for the first time. That's what alcohol is for, sillies!
Worst kiss: Paula and Simon
What the hell was that? Have Paula and Simon ever actually kissed another person before? I guess when you're practicing on Ryan Seacrest, your technique is bound to be a little poor, but God. That was painful to watch.
Most improved: Kimberley Locke's wardrobe
Finally, finally, my telepathic powers have been able to communicate the perfect wardrobe advice to Kimberley Locke. She had been getting close for weeks, but she finally got it right last night during her performance of Somewhere Over the Rainbow: low-cut shirt to show off the cleavage, fitted jacket to accentuate the hourglass shape yet cover up the booty, and wide-legged trouser to minimize the hips. Although what was up with that huge freaking necklace? I guess no one can be perfect.
Best preview for next season: The Bachelor
You know, the one where I become America's Sweetheart and ultimately win the heart of Bob. What, you didn't see that? You must have been in the other room.
Best blog readers: You guys
Yes, it's cheesy, but yes, I'm giving you all an award. You have all been great, faithful readers throughout the duration of this reality season--posting comments, linking to me on your blog and just generally increasing that little number at the bottom of the screen. Although the cycle of good reality shows has run its course and another cycle of bad reality shows is coming up (save the new season of the Amazing Race--yaaay!) and I've decided to take a much-needed break from my crippling reality-TV addiction, I hope you'll stick around. (Plus, you all know how quick these cycles move--we'll be back into the good reality shows in like three weeks.)
With the week-long finale of American Idol (of which I watched approximately 3 minutes...but what a great 3 minutes) mercifully coming to an end and Jen and Andrew finally getting to begin their life of deluding themselves that they've formed a lasting relationship until their inevitable breakup on an ABC-televised special, I thought it would be a good idea to celebrate the end of my Wednesday-night marathon reality-TV-watching sessions by giving out a few awards. So without further ado...
Best runner-up: Clay Aiken
True, Clay didn't really have reason to be upset that he didn't win since Clive Davis pretty much told everyone that regardless of who won, RCA was planning to not only produce both of the finalists' albums but also release them on the same day. But he still took it like a champ. Although, come to think of it, he did kind of hog Ruben's spotlight in the aftermath. But Ruben is a man of few words, and someone has to fill those gaping silences--better Clay than Ryan Seacrest. And it's not like he even comes close to our winner for...
Worst runner-up: Kirsten
Real shocker here. It's like she's trying to see how many times she can get Andrew to tell her he doesn't love her on national TV. Go away, Kirsten! I swear, if I have to, like, hear you, like, speak, like, one more time, I'm gonna, like, gouge my eyeballs out!
Best kiss: Tim and Nicole
Awwwww. That was so sweet, in a junior-prom kind of way. It's best to try and forget the fact that these two are in college, and it shouldn't take them 5 freaking weeks to kiss each other for the first time. That's what alcohol is for, sillies!
Worst kiss: Paula and Simon
What the hell was that? Have Paula and Simon ever actually kissed another person before? I guess when you're practicing on Ryan Seacrest, your technique is bound to be a little poor, but God. That was painful to watch.
Most improved: Kimberley Locke's wardrobe
Finally, finally, my telepathic powers have been able to communicate the perfect wardrobe advice to Kimberley Locke. She had been getting close for weeks, but she finally got it right last night during her performance of Somewhere Over the Rainbow: low-cut shirt to show off the cleavage, fitted jacket to accentuate the hourglass shape yet cover up the booty, and wide-legged trouser to minimize the hips. Although what was up with that huge freaking necklace? I guess no one can be perfect.
Best preview for next season: The Bachelor
You know, the one where I become America's Sweetheart and ultimately win the heart of Bob. What, you didn't see that? You must have been in the other room.
Best blog readers: You guys
Yes, it's cheesy, but yes, I'm giving you all an award. You have all been great, faithful readers throughout the duration of this reality season--posting comments, linking to me on your blog and just generally increasing that little number at the bottom of the screen. Although the cycle of good reality shows has run its course and another cycle of bad reality shows is coming up (save the new season of the Amazing Race--yaaay!) and I've decided to take a much-needed break from my crippling reality-TV addiction, I hope you'll stick around. (Plus, you all know how quick these cycles move--we'll be back into the good reality shows in like three weeks.)
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
One more thought
If Ryan Seacrest is really as small as I think he is, and Paul Anka looks that small standing next to him, I can only imagine that in real life, Paul Anka must be small enough to fit in your pocket. I totally want a Paul Anka to carry around in my pocket!
If Ryan Seacrest is really as small as I think he is, and Paul Anka looks that small standing next to him, I can only imagine that in real life, Paul Anka must be small enough to fit in your pocket. I totally want a Paul Anka to carry around in my pocket!
A few thoughts on American Idol
If they're going to force Ruben and Clay to sing Beatles songs, they should make them sing "Why Don't We Do It in the Road." Over and over again. For an hour. Now that would be compelling television.
The local Fox news channel does a feature on Ruben every night that American Idol is on, and most of these features seem to revolve around old pictures of Ruben. Last week, they showed pictures of him in high school. This week, they showed pictures of him as a baby/small child. It's a good thing the competition ends tonight, or next week we'd be watching "Ruben Studdard: The Most Talented Fetus in the World."
I forgot to vote. Oops. But I did wear my 205 shirt.
If they're going to force Ruben and Clay to sing Beatles songs, they should make them sing "Why Don't We Do It in the Road." Over and over again. For an hour. Now that would be compelling television.
The local Fox news channel does a feature on Ruben every night that American Idol is on, and most of these features seem to revolve around old pictures of Ruben. Last week, they showed pictures of him in high school. This week, they showed pictures of him as a baby/small child. It's a good thing the competition ends tonight, or next week we'd be watching "Ruben Studdard: The Most Talented Fetus in the World."
I forgot to vote. Oops. But I did wear my 205 shirt.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Still alive
OK, after a somewhat crazy day yesterday, I am happy to report that I am, as the title suggests, still alive. Fortunately, I don't think this job is going to be any harder than my senior year of college, where I was working two jobs and taking 15+ credit hours. Still, I realized that I've been blissfully in "slacker mode" ever since graduation last year, so I'm going to have to force myself to get back into "workaholic" mode.
As for my thoughts on Sunday's Bachelor finale: Like many of you, I was sad to see the good name of magazine journalism tarnished by an evil bitch like Kirsten. For more in this vein, see my comments yesterday on Anne's blog. And stick around to read about the adventures of someone with a degree in magazine journalism who actually has goals other than marrying rich.
If I have to hear the American Idol kids sing "What the World Need Now..." one more time, I'm gonna scream. I actually turned the show off last night around the middle of The Finale: Part 1, but not before I heard Carmen say that she's going to be opening for the Dave Matthews Band in Salt Lake City this summer. What? The hell? In my mind, this puts DMB on a trajectory similar to Jewel: from "good, in a kind of funky and unpolished way" (mid-90s) to "beginning to sell out and become way too popular" (late 20th/early 21st century) to "I'm ashamed to admit I ever liked them" (now).
OK, after a somewhat crazy day yesterday, I am happy to report that I am, as the title suggests, still alive. Fortunately, I don't think this job is going to be any harder than my senior year of college, where I was working two jobs and taking 15+ credit hours. Still, I realized that I've been blissfully in "slacker mode" ever since graduation last year, so I'm going to have to force myself to get back into "workaholic" mode.
As for my thoughts on Sunday's Bachelor finale: Like many of you, I was sad to see the good name of magazine journalism tarnished by an evil bitch like Kirsten. For more in this vein, see my comments yesterday on Anne's blog. And stick around to read about the adventures of someone with a degree in magazine journalism who actually has goals other than marrying rich.
If I have to hear the American Idol kids sing "What the World Need Now..." one more time, I'm gonna scream. I actually turned the show off last night around the middle of The Finale: Part 1, but not before I heard Carmen say that she's going to be opening for the Dave Matthews Band in Salt Lake City this summer. What? The hell? In my mind, this puts DMB on a trajectory similar to Jewel: from "good, in a kind of funky and unpolished way" (mid-90s) to "beginning to sell out and become way too popular" (late 20th/early 21st century) to "I'm ashamed to admit I ever liked them" (now).
Monday, May 19, 2003
Who's the boss?
Today is my boss's first day of maternity leave, which means it's also the first day I have to do her job (editor-in-chief) as well as my own (assistant editor). It's not yet 10:00, and already I've had two near disasters and nearly cried at least five times. This does not bode well for the next three months.
Today is my boss's first day of maternity leave, which means it's also the first day I have to do her job (editor-in-chief) as well as my own (assistant editor). It's not yet 10:00, and already I've had two near disasters and nearly cried at least five times. This does not bode well for the next three months.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
A hitch in the plan
So apparently ABC is not dying for me to come back on the network, as they put this rule in their eligibility requirements:
Any applicant who has appeared on any primetime television reality/game show such as “Survivor,” “Big Brother,” “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” “Weakest Link,” “Greed,” “Amazing Race,” “Fear Factor,” “21,” “The Mole,” “Winning Lines,” “Temptation Island,” etc. or is involved in the current production of any such television show is not eligible. If any applicant is currently being considered as a contestant and/or participant in a primetime television reality/game show, he/she shall withdraw his/her application from such competing show upon Producer's request.
I don't really understand why Millionaire is included in this list, as a) it isn't even in prime time anymore and therefore no longer a "competing show" and b) it freaking wasn't a competing show in the first place because it was produced BY THE SAME NETWORK. Also, I don't think my appearance counts because I never made it to the "hot seat," so my screen time consisted of about 5 seconds...hardly memorable. The producers of Millionaire told me I could try out for their show again, so why wouldn't I be allowed to try out for The Bachelor? It makes no sense. I've changed my mind. ABC is the Antichrist!
By the way, I'm not really a fame whore. Just in case you were wondering.
So apparently ABC is not dying for me to come back on the network, as they put this rule in their eligibility requirements:
Any applicant who has appeared on any primetime television reality/game show such as “Survivor,” “Big Brother,” “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” “Weakest Link,” “Greed,” “Amazing Race,” “Fear Factor,” “21,” “The Mole,” “Winning Lines,” “Temptation Island,” etc. or is involved in the current production of any such television show is not eligible. If any applicant is currently being considered as a contestant and/or participant in a primetime television reality/game show, he/she shall withdraw his/her application from such competing show upon Producer's request.
I don't really understand why Millionaire is included in this list, as a) it isn't even in prime time anymore and therefore no longer a "competing show" and b) it freaking wasn't a competing show in the first place because it was produced BY THE SAME NETWORK. Also, I don't think my appearance counts because I never made it to the "hot seat," so my screen time consisted of about 5 seconds...hardly memorable. The producers of Millionaire told me I could try out for their show again, so why wouldn't I be allowed to try out for The Bachelor? It makes no sense. I've changed my mind. ABC is the Antichrist!
By the way, I'm not really a fame whore. Just in case you were wondering.
When I said they should give Rena Sofer her own NBC series, this is not what I had in mind
After some further digging, I've found out that NBC is not actually importing Coupling straight from the BBC, but rather is creating their own Americanized version of the show, starring none other than everyone's favorite NBC guest star, Rena Sofer. This is even worse than if they'd never even talked about putting the show on prime time in the first place. I'd rather have to wait for my Coupling fix than to get some half-assed, watered-down American version. Damn you, NBC! You are the Antichrist! (Although I guess you did give us Saved by the Bell...speaking of which, some of you might be happy to note that there's a brand-new recap, courtesy of Bri, up on the blog.)
After some further digging, I've found out that NBC is not actually importing Coupling straight from the BBC, but rather is creating their own Americanized version of the show, starring none other than everyone's favorite NBC guest star, Rena Sofer. This is even worse than if they'd never even talked about putting the show on prime time in the first place. I'd rather have to wait for my Coupling fix than to get some half-assed, watered-down American version. Damn you, NBC! You are the Antichrist! (Although I guess you did give us Saved by the Bell...speaking of which, some of you might be happy to note that there's a brand-new recap, courtesy of Bri, up on the blog.)
I wanna marry you, Bob
So I always said (to myself, at least, if not to other people) that I would never, ever apply to be on The Bachelor. Unless, of course, the Bachelor was Bob. I can only guess that ABC must have somehow found out about this, because the next Bachelor is none other than Bob. ABC must have been so impressed with my brief performance on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire a few years ago that they want me to come back on the network. OK, ABC. You don't have to beg. I'll keep up my end of the bargain and apply to go on The Bachelor. (Oh, and you can thank Lyndsay for tipping me off.)
So I always said (to myself, at least, if not to other people) that I would never, ever apply to be on The Bachelor. Unless, of course, the Bachelor was Bob. I can only guess that ABC must have somehow found out about this, because the next Bachelor is none other than Bob. ABC must have been so impressed with my brief performance on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire a few years ago that they want me to come back on the network. OK, ABC. You don't have to beg. I'll keep up my end of the bargain and apply to go on The Bachelor. (Oh, and you can thank Lyndsay for tipping me off.)
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!
Oh, this is a happy day indeed. MSN and Access Hollywood just reported that NBC is adding my favorite British TV show, Coupling, to its Thursday night lineup this fall. I have been a devotee of the show ever since last summer, when my friend Jeff brought a tape of the show with him on a visit to Columbia. It's kind of like a cross between Friends and Sex & the City, only British. And funnier. Jeff and I can often be heard quoting some of the best lines from the show, such as "Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!" and "What in the name of God's arse is the purpose of potpourri?!" Previously, Coupling could only be seen on BBC America, which meant I would only get to watch it when I went to visit my parents (who have a satellite dish) or when Jeff (who also has a satellite dish) would compile tapes of it for me. I even considered buying a DVD player specifically for this show, because the first season of it can only be bought on DVD. That's how much I love it. And now I will get to watch it every Thursday night!
Although I didn't actually discover Coupling while I was living in London, I have lately been amazed at the number of European products that I worshipped while living there that have made it across the pond in the three years since I've been back. For example: Special K Red Berries cereal, Garnier Fructis hair products, Rimmel cosmetics, Changing Rooms and House Invaders (my two favorite British home-improvement shows), H & M, Craig David. Life would be totally complete if we could just get an American version of "She's Gotta Have It," a show devoted entirely to shopping. Ooh, and a Topshop. And Shelley's shoe store. And my English professor that I had a crush on. Then I would be totally satisfied with living in America and not be constantly wanting to move back to London again.
Oh, this is a happy day indeed. MSN and Access Hollywood just reported that NBC is adding my favorite British TV show, Coupling, to its Thursday night lineup this fall. I have been a devotee of the show ever since last summer, when my friend Jeff brought a tape of the show with him on a visit to Columbia. It's kind of like a cross between Friends and Sex & the City, only British. And funnier. Jeff and I can often be heard quoting some of the best lines from the show, such as "Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!" and "What in the name of God's arse is the purpose of potpourri?!" Previously, Coupling could only be seen on BBC America, which meant I would only get to watch it when I went to visit my parents (who have a satellite dish) or when Jeff (who also has a satellite dish) would compile tapes of it for me. I even considered buying a DVD player specifically for this show, because the first season of it can only be bought on DVD. That's how much I love it. And now I will get to watch it every Thursday night!
Although I didn't actually discover Coupling while I was living in London, I have lately been amazed at the number of European products that I worshipped while living there that have made it across the pond in the three years since I've been back. For example: Special K Red Berries cereal, Garnier Fructis hair products, Rimmel cosmetics, Changing Rooms and House Invaders (my two favorite British home-improvement shows), H & M, Craig David. Life would be totally complete if we could just get an American version of "She's Gotta Have It," a show devoted entirely to shopping. Ooh, and a Topshop. And Shelley's shoe store. And my English professor that I had a crush on. Then I would be totally satisfied with living in America and not be constantly wanting to move back to London again.
And when no hope was left inside on that starry, starry night...
God help us all. Paula has brought back the fedora.
You may not know this, but I am one of only two people in the entire world who like the song "Vincent." The other is my former camp director, who used to sing the song at campfires, hence my reason for liking it (because it reminds me of campfires, not because it reminds me of the camp director, whom I didn't particularly care for). Oh, and I guess Don McLean probably likes the song, too, since he wrote it and everything. So I am one of three people in the entire world who like the song "Vincent."
However, listening to Clay sing a song I actually like just highlighted everything I don't like about him. Specifically, that there is no emotion--just show--in everything he sings. Not that there's much emotion in any Idol contestant, mind you. In fact, the entire show is built on the premise that singing loud with enough vibrato equals real emotion, which it doesn't. Which is why I start to get really tired of it around this point every season. Once we get to the point where someone has to actually be crowned "American Idol," it becomes really apparent to me that no one who has ever tried out for this competition is deserving of that title.
Consequently, I spent the majority of the show leafing through my new issue of Glamour. Did you know that duct tape can be used to remove warts? Now this is information I can use.
God help us all. Paula has brought back the fedora.
You may not know this, but I am one of only two people in the entire world who like the song "Vincent." The other is my former camp director, who used to sing the song at campfires, hence my reason for liking it (because it reminds me of campfires, not because it reminds me of the camp director, whom I didn't particularly care for). Oh, and I guess Don McLean probably likes the song, too, since he wrote it and everything. So I am one of three people in the entire world who like the song "Vincent."
However, listening to Clay sing a song I actually like just highlighted everything I don't like about him. Specifically, that there is no emotion--just show--in everything he sings. Not that there's much emotion in any Idol contestant, mind you. In fact, the entire show is built on the premise that singing loud with enough vibrato equals real emotion, which it doesn't. Which is why I start to get really tired of it around this point every season. Once we get to the point where someone has to actually be crowned "American Idol," it becomes really apparent to me that no one who has ever tried out for this competition is deserving of that title.
Consequently, I spent the majority of the show leafing through my new issue of Glamour. Did you know that duct tape can be used to remove warts? Now this is information I can use.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
I'd rather laugh with the saints
Today I have stumbled upon a vast and untapped source of humor here on the World Wide Web: The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops' Office of Film and Broadcasting. This page provides movie reviews from a moral standpoint so that good Catholics (such as Scott and Kate) will know which movies to avoid.
This is inherently funny for several reasons, not the least of which is the thought of Catholic bishops sitting down to watch films such as Todd Solondz's Storytelling. (It was the first film I searched for in the archives--not surprisingly, they rated it at the highest level of offensiveness. In fact, I think they were tempted to create a new level of offensiveness specifically for this film.)
In addition, I was surprised at how snarky (not to mention liberal with a thesaurus) these bishops can get. Here's an excerpt from their review of The Real Cancun:
To summarize the "plot" any further would presuppose that a modicum of mental effort was involved in the production of this mindless dreck, a dangerous assumption. It would also lend far too much credibility to an execrable pastiche of raunchy vulgarities and lewd excesses, slickly packaged and marketed and fatuously passed off as some sort of pseudo, Gen-Y cinema verite.
Hee. Forget Roger Ebert--I'm getting my movie reviews from the Catholic bishops from now on!
Today I have stumbled upon a vast and untapped source of humor here on the World Wide Web: The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops' Office of Film and Broadcasting. This page provides movie reviews from a moral standpoint so that good Catholics (such as Scott and Kate) will know which movies to avoid.
This is inherently funny for several reasons, not the least of which is the thought of Catholic bishops sitting down to watch films such as Todd Solondz's Storytelling. (It was the first film I searched for in the archives--not surprisingly, they rated it at the highest level of offensiveness. In fact, I think they were tempted to create a new level of offensiveness specifically for this film.)
In addition, I was surprised at how snarky (not to mention liberal with a thesaurus) these bishops can get. Here's an excerpt from their review of The Real Cancun:
To summarize the "plot" any further would presuppose that a modicum of mental effort was involved in the production of this mindless dreck, a dangerous assumption. It would also lend far too much credibility to an execrable pastiche of raunchy vulgarities and lewd excesses, slickly packaged and marketed and fatuously passed off as some sort of pseudo, Gen-Y cinema verite.
Hee. Forget Roger Ebert--I'm getting my movie reviews from the Catholic bishops from now on!
Monday, May 12, 2003
How to not meet a future pop star
So I didn't get to meet K-Locke, either. In fact, I didn't even get to see her. However, this was totally not my fault. It was partly her fault, because she only stayed at the mall for like an hour. What kind of a promotional appearance is that?? To be fair, she did try to cover the entire city of Nashville in one day, doing several local morning shows, speaking at Belmont College and then singing/signing autographs at Opry Mills mall (where Bri and I were supposed to meet up with her). But since she was scheduled to be at the mall at 5:00, I figured that if I left Birmingham at 3:30, I would get to Nashville around 6:00, at which time K-Locke would certainly still be there.
And she was still there at 6:00, only I was not. I blame this on Birmingham traffic, which was unusually heavy at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon. Apparently I was not the only one in the city who decided to skip lunch and leave work an hour early. So it was about half an hour before I could get going on the interstate. Also, before I left town I had to stop and get gas and take some money out of the ATM, which delayed me even further. OK, I guess that part was my fault. But I didn't know about the meeting K-Locke plan until Friday at work when Bri e-mailed me about the promotional appearance. Obviously if I had known about it beforehand, I would have run my errands in advance. So in the final analysis of why I did not meet Kimberley Locke, I would say it was 49% Kimberley Locke's fault, 49% Birmingham traffic's fault, and 2% my fault.
Anyway, I didn't get to Nashville until about 7:00, at which point K-Locke was long gone. But Bri at least got to see her perform and snap some pictures of her. And once again, I got to watch the whole thing on the news and kick myself for not being there.
So I didn't get to meet K-Locke, either. In fact, I didn't even get to see her. However, this was totally not my fault. It was partly her fault, because she only stayed at the mall for like an hour. What kind of a promotional appearance is that?? To be fair, she did try to cover the entire city of Nashville in one day, doing several local morning shows, speaking at Belmont College and then singing/signing autographs at Opry Mills mall (where Bri and I were supposed to meet up with her). But since she was scheduled to be at the mall at 5:00, I figured that if I left Birmingham at 3:30, I would get to Nashville around 6:00, at which time K-Locke would certainly still be there.
And she was still there at 6:00, only I was not. I blame this on Birmingham traffic, which was unusually heavy at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon. Apparently I was not the only one in the city who decided to skip lunch and leave work an hour early. So it was about half an hour before I could get going on the interstate. Also, before I left town I had to stop and get gas and take some money out of the ATM, which delayed me even further. OK, I guess that part was my fault. But I didn't know about the meeting K-Locke plan until Friday at work when Bri e-mailed me about the promotional appearance. Obviously if I had known about it beforehand, I would have run my errands in advance. So in the final analysis of why I did not meet Kimberley Locke, I would say it was 49% Kimberley Locke's fault, 49% Birmingham traffic's fault, and 2% my fault.
Anyway, I didn't get to Nashville until about 7:00, at which point K-Locke was long gone. But Bri at least got to see her perform and snap some pictures of her. And once again, I got to watch the whole thing on the news and kick myself for not being there.
Friday, May 09, 2003
Reality TV stars are taking over the world...
Fresh off my adventure of not meeting Andrew Firestone, I'm meeting Bri in Nashville tonight to attend a promotional appearance by Kimberley Locke. Perhaps I'll actually get to meet her. Although we're expecting large crowds, as Bri says the event has been pimped quite heavily on Nashville TV and radio stations. Even my dad knew about it, and my dad never knows about anything. So we'll see. Bri has her camera, just in case.
Also, Birmingham's own Ruben Studdard was reportedly in town last night and doing an unscheduled public appearance at the mall. I heard about it on the radio as I was driving home, but I chose not to attend, totally missing my chance to see three reality-TV stars in three days. However, I'm sure this isn't the last time Ruben will be in Birmingham. As I was watching American Idol Tuesday night, I was seized with the overwhelming desire to just give him a big hug, and I'm sure I'll get to do that one day.
Hmm, I wonder if Clay is making any promotional appearances in Raleigh this weekend. It wouldn't be too far of a drive...
Fresh off my adventure of not meeting Andrew Firestone, I'm meeting Bri in Nashville tonight to attend a promotional appearance by Kimberley Locke. Perhaps I'll actually get to meet her. Although we're expecting large crowds, as Bri says the event has been pimped quite heavily on Nashville TV and radio stations. Even my dad knew about it, and my dad never knows about anything. So we'll see. Bri has her camera, just in case.
Also, Birmingham's own Ruben Studdard was reportedly in town last night and doing an unscheduled public appearance at the mall. I heard about it on the radio as I was driving home, but I chose not to attend, totally missing my chance to see three reality-TV stars in three days. However, I'm sure this isn't the last time Ruben will be in Birmingham. As I was watching American Idol Tuesday night, I was seized with the overwhelming desire to just give him a big hug, and I'm sure I'll get to do that one day.
Hmm, I wonder if Clay is making any promotional appearances in Raleigh this weekend. It wouldn't be too far of a drive...
Thursday, May 08, 2003
How to not marry a millionaire
If you want to read a story about how a cool girl with a fabulous blog met the Bachelor, go here. If you want to read a story about how a cool girl with a fabulous blog did not meet the Bachelor, stay right where you are.
OK, so obviously I did not marry Andrew Firestone. (I did, however, add the aforementioned chicken and mustard to my plain cheese sandwich, which improved the quality tenfold.) Anyway, back to the Bachelor. I did go to Cafe Ciao last night for the Bachelor promotional event. Sallie and I arrived a little before 7:00, but it soon became obvious that we had gotten there too late to get a good place to sit--in fact, they weren't even letting people into the restaurant because of the fire code, so we were forced to hover on the patio. As my purse was becoming increasingly heavy, and as Mr. Firestone was nowhere to be found, I decided to take the purse back to my car. On our way there, we ran into a girl Sallie knew, who was driving around the neighborhood looking for a parking space. She told us she had just spotted Andrew standing on the back porch of the restaurant, talking on his cell phone. Under the pretense of trying to find a shorter route to my car, Sallie and I decided to do a walk-by. Sure enough, standing there looking very fetching in a black button-up shirt and jeans, was Mr. Firestone himself. Not wanting to look obvious by just staring in silence as we walked by and then doubled back, I told Sallie a story about the time Nikki and I were waiting for a Ryan Adams concert at The Blue Note, and a guy that we thought was Ryan Adams came out of the backstage door, but it turned out to be his bass player. Anyway, I thought it best not to approach Andrew at this time, as I didn't want to interrupt his conversation. (I did, however, wonder if he was talking to Kirstin...because we all know that's who he's going to pick.)
When Sallie and I got back to the restaurant after depositing my purse (and camera...oops!) in the car, Andrew had moved around to the patio at the front of the restaurant, where he was being accosted by hundreds of Bachelor-wannabes. Instead of joining the throng, we chose to just sit back and watch the spectacle. Sallie didn't particularly care about the Bachelor; she just came along because she's a good friend (and because I promised to accompany her to any future promotional events featuring the cast of 7th Heaven...don't ask). Also, what was I going to say to the Bachelor? I couldn't ask him for a picture, because I left my camera in the car. I refused to ask for his autograph on the grounds that he's not a real celebrity. I can't tell him who to pick because he's already done the picking--and quite badly, from the looks of it. I didn't feel like fighting my way through the throng of scantily-clad 20somethings just to be like, "Hey, what's up?"
Eventually, Andy made his way inside, and Sallie and I followed in his wake so that we could get closer to the TV to watch American Idol. I had originally intended to stay for the entire episode of The Bachelor, but Sallie didn't want to miss any of Sorority Life. So we arranged it so that we would leave right after Ryan announced who was getting eliminated (which, by the way, he did in such a brusque manner that Sallie actually missed it and didn't understand why I was suddenly pulling her away from the restaurant). I figured that, once inside, Andrew would probably stay there, so there wasn't much point in us watching the show standing up in 100% humidity, when we could be watching it in the cool comfort of our own homes.
Boy did I feel like an idiot when I watched a segment about the event on the local news and saw that Andrew had actually watched most of the show from the very spot where we had been standing. So I could have watched the Bachelor while standing (in my work clothes in 100% humidity) mere feet from the Bachelor himself. Instead, I watched the Bachelor sitting in my blue velvet butterfly chair with the ceiling fan on high, wearing my pajamas...alone. Yeah, I'm an idiot. But a comfortable idiot.
If you want to read a story about how a cool girl with a fabulous blog met the Bachelor, go here. If you want to read a story about how a cool girl with a fabulous blog did not meet the Bachelor, stay right where you are.
OK, so obviously I did not marry Andrew Firestone. (I did, however, add the aforementioned chicken and mustard to my plain cheese sandwich, which improved the quality tenfold.) Anyway, back to the Bachelor. I did go to Cafe Ciao last night for the Bachelor promotional event. Sallie and I arrived a little before 7:00, but it soon became obvious that we had gotten there too late to get a good place to sit--in fact, they weren't even letting people into the restaurant because of the fire code, so we were forced to hover on the patio. As my purse was becoming increasingly heavy, and as Mr. Firestone was nowhere to be found, I decided to take the purse back to my car. On our way there, we ran into a girl Sallie knew, who was driving around the neighborhood looking for a parking space. She told us she had just spotted Andrew standing on the back porch of the restaurant, talking on his cell phone. Under the pretense of trying to find a shorter route to my car, Sallie and I decided to do a walk-by. Sure enough, standing there looking very fetching in a black button-up shirt and jeans, was Mr. Firestone himself. Not wanting to look obvious by just staring in silence as we walked by and then doubled back, I told Sallie a story about the time Nikki and I were waiting for a Ryan Adams concert at The Blue Note, and a guy that we thought was Ryan Adams came out of the backstage door, but it turned out to be his bass player. Anyway, I thought it best not to approach Andrew at this time, as I didn't want to interrupt his conversation. (I did, however, wonder if he was talking to Kirstin...because we all know that's who he's going to pick.)
When Sallie and I got back to the restaurant after depositing my purse (and camera...oops!) in the car, Andrew had moved around to the patio at the front of the restaurant, where he was being accosted by hundreds of Bachelor-wannabes. Instead of joining the throng, we chose to just sit back and watch the spectacle. Sallie didn't particularly care about the Bachelor; she just came along because she's a good friend (and because I promised to accompany her to any future promotional events featuring the cast of 7th Heaven...don't ask). Also, what was I going to say to the Bachelor? I couldn't ask him for a picture, because I left my camera in the car. I refused to ask for his autograph on the grounds that he's not a real celebrity. I can't tell him who to pick because he's already done the picking--and quite badly, from the looks of it. I didn't feel like fighting my way through the throng of scantily-clad 20somethings just to be like, "Hey, what's up?"
Eventually, Andy made his way inside, and Sallie and I followed in his wake so that we could get closer to the TV to watch American Idol. I had originally intended to stay for the entire episode of The Bachelor, but Sallie didn't want to miss any of Sorority Life. So we arranged it so that we would leave right after Ryan announced who was getting eliminated (which, by the way, he did in such a brusque manner that Sallie actually missed it and didn't understand why I was suddenly pulling her away from the restaurant). I figured that, once inside, Andrew would probably stay there, so there wasn't much point in us watching the show standing up in 100% humidity, when we could be watching it in the cool comfort of our own homes.
Boy did I feel like an idiot when I watched a segment about the event on the local news and saw that Andrew had actually watched most of the show from the very spot where we had been standing. So I could have watched the Bachelor while standing (in my work clothes in 100% humidity) mere feet from the Bachelor himself. Instead, I watched the Bachelor sitting in my blue velvet butterfly chair with the ceiling fan on high, wearing my pajamas...alone. Yeah, I'm an idiot. But a comfortable idiot.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Plain cheese sandwiches
Some of you may be wondering why I have been conspicuously absent from my blog for the past week or so. Well, I shall tell you. Last weekend, Bri came to visit, and we had a super-fun time shopping, dining and attending an outdoor concert where we spent a lot of time making fun of other people's outfits. However, at the very end of her visit, my car chose to die at an intersection in the sketchy part of town. So even though she was about to head back home, Bri spent three hours with me at Auto Zone, where we learned all about alternators, met some interesting characters (including the multi-accented mechanic, who changed accents with every person he talked to) and brushed up on our Spanish!
Nearly three hundred dollars later, my car is finally in working condition again. Of course, now I'm totally broke and have to eat plain cheese sandwiches for lunch for the next two weeks. (OK, actually I have chicken and mustard to go on the sandwiches; I just opted for the plain cheese today.) Also for the next two weeks, I must live in mortal fear of overdrawing my bank account and maxing out my credit cards (yet again). So it is perfect timing that tonight I am going to a party with Andrew Firestone! I figure all I have to do to solve my current financial problems is seduce Andrew and get him to fly me to Vegas on his private jet, where we will elope. He's probably already broken up with whomever he chose as the winner of the show, so this shouldn't be too hard. So if I don't post on my blog for a few more days, just assume it's because I've moved to Napa to become the new Mrs. Firestone.
Some of you may be wondering why I have been conspicuously absent from my blog for the past week or so. Well, I shall tell you. Last weekend, Bri came to visit, and we had a super-fun time shopping, dining and attending an outdoor concert where we spent a lot of time making fun of other people's outfits. However, at the very end of her visit, my car chose to die at an intersection in the sketchy part of town. So even though she was about to head back home, Bri spent three hours with me at Auto Zone, where we learned all about alternators, met some interesting characters (including the multi-accented mechanic, who changed accents with every person he talked to) and brushed up on our Spanish!
Nearly three hundred dollars later, my car is finally in working condition again. Of course, now I'm totally broke and have to eat plain cheese sandwiches for lunch for the next two weeks. (OK, actually I have chicken and mustard to go on the sandwiches; I just opted for the plain cheese today.) Also for the next two weeks, I must live in mortal fear of overdrawing my bank account and maxing out my credit cards (yet again). So it is perfect timing that tonight I am going to a party with Andrew Firestone! I figure all I have to do to solve my current financial problems is seduce Andrew and get him to fly me to Vegas on his private jet, where we will elope. He's probably already broken up with whomever he chose as the winner of the show, so this shouldn't be too hard. So if I don't post on my blog for a few more days, just assume it's because I've moved to Napa to become the new Mrs. Firestone.
Thursday, May 01, 2003
The RAT
Get out your no. 2 pencils! It's time for the RAT (Reality Aptitude Test). But first, I have a Very Special Announcement. Andrew Firestone, the Bachelor himself, is coming to Birmingham next week to have a watching party for Wednesday night's episode at a local restaurant. I am so there!!!!! Stay tuned for details...
OK, on with the test. No looking at your neighbor's paper!
Section One: American Idol, Part One: Tuesday Night
Why was Neil Sedaka smiling so much?
a) He genuinely enjoys the musical stylings of the American Idol contestants.
b) He's senile.
c) He stole some drugs from Paula's dressing room.
d) He was getting a little action from Ryan under the table.
What was Ruben wearing for his first number?
a) garbage bags
b) something he bought at the Ryan Seacrest Big & Tall store
c) I don't know, but whatever it was, it made me long for the 205 shirts.
The song "Build Me Up Buttercup" is about
a) Um, like...a girl? I think?
b) I have no idea...these are the most complex lyrics I've ever heard!
c) It's about someone who says they'll call and then doesn't. Is "You never call baby when you say you will" really that hard to decipher?
Ryan Seacrest is
a) gay
b) really freaking gay
c) SO gay that he's almost straight
Section One, Part Two: Wednesday Night
Justin Guarini's new song is
a) slightly less crappy than Kelly Clarkson's new song
b) about the same level of crappiness as Kelly Clarkson's new song
c) slightly more crappy than Kelly Clarkson's new song
d) It's all crap; why bother with these finer distinctions?
Why was Ruben in the bottom three?
a) Although he sang pretty well, his rendition of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" sucked like a Hoover.
b) Dude, you said it yourself: He came out wearing something from Ryan Seacrest's wardrobe.
c) Carmen has turned her dark forces against him.
d) It's obvious that the votes don't count for anything and Fox is controlling the outcome of the show for dramatic effect.
Josh Gracin wasn't in the bottom two because
a) The American public is essentially stupid and tone-deaf.
b) Everyone was scared into submission by those constipated-looking faces he makes when he sings.
c) The people who were voting don't realize that the war is over and still think they have to vote for the Marine to be patriotic.
d) See answer "d" above.
Section Two: The Bachelor
Tina is
a) less fabulous than last week
b) about the same level of fabulousness as last week
c) more fabulous than last week
d) so fabulous it hurts to look at her
Christina is
a) a total freaking psycho
b) kind of a whore, actually
c) old, with skin the consistency of leather
d) Portugese, apparently
e) all of the above
Jen is
a) cute, but boring
b) sweet, but boring
c) just plain boring
d) Who is she, again?
Kirsten says "like"
a) Like, way too much!
b) Like, totally, like, way too much!
C) Like, way more than, like, anyone, like ever on the, like, face of the, like, Earth, like, ever has, like, before!
The best Portugese pastry is
a) A wedding cake made out of "European custard cups"
b) Codfish
c) How the hell does "codfish" qualify as a pastry?!
What's Kirsten's beef with Tina?
a) She is obviously intimidated by Tina's fabulousness.
b) She's jealous that Tina has actual eyebrows and doesn't have to draw hers on.
c) Kirsten hates all women.
Christina's outfit at the rose ceremony was
a) trampy
b) slutty
c) whore-y
d) so hideous that even Britney Spears wouldn't wear it in public
Did Andrew in fact make a mistake by sending Christina home?
a) No
b) Hell, no!
c) Are you kidding?
d) What is this, like a trick question?
Section Three: Sorority/Fraternity Life
Are Tim and Nicole dating?
a) Yes
b) No
c) God, I wish they would just shut up about it already!
d) I don't really care, but I hope they keep pursuing this ridiculous storyline because at least it doesn't involve the psycho brothers and sisters of DZO and Sigma Chi.
Get out your no. 2 pencils! It's time for the RAT (Reality Aptitude Test). But first, I have a Very Special Announcement. Andrew Firestone, the Bachelor himself, is coming to Birmingham next week to have a watching party for Wednesday night's episode at a local restaurant. I am so there!!!!! Stay tuned for details...
OK, on with the test. No looking at your neighbor's paper!
Section One: American Idol, Part One: Tuesday Night
Why was Neil Sedaka smiling so much?
a) He genuinely enjoys the musical stylings of the American Idol contestants.
b) He's senile.
c) He stole some drugs from Paula's dressing room.
d) He was getting a little action from Ryan under the table.
What was Ruben wearing for his first number?
a) garbage bags
b) something he bought at the Ryan Seacrest Big & Tall store
c) I don't know, but whatever it was, it made me long for the 205 shirts.
The song "Build Me Up Buttercup" is about
a) Um, like...a girl? I think?
b) I have no idea...these are the most complex lyrics I've ever heard!
c) It's about someone who says they'll call and then doesn't. Is "You never call baby when you say you will" really that hard to decipher?
Ryan Seacrest is
a) gay
b) really freaking gay
c) SO gay that he's almost straight
Section One, Part Two: Wednesday Night
Justin Guarini's new song is
a) slightly less crappy than Kelly Clarkson's new song
b) about the same level of crappiness as Kelly Clarkson's new song
c) slightly more crappy than Kelly Clarkson's new song
d) It's all crap; why bother with these finer distinctions?
Why was Ruben in the bottom three?
a) Although he sang pretty well, his rendition of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" sucked like a Hoover.
b) Dude, you said it yourself: He came out wearing something from Ryan Seacrest's wardrobe.
c) Carmen has turned her dark forces against him.
d) It's obvious that the votes don't count for anything and Fox is controlling the outcome of the show for dramatic effect.
Josh Gracin wasn't in the bottom two because
a) The American public is essentially stupid and tone-deaf.
b) Everyone was scared into submission by those constipated-looking faces he makes when he sings.
c) The people who were voting don't realize that the war is over and still think they have to vote for the Marine to be patriotic.
d) See answer "d" above.
Section Two: The Bachelor
Tina is
a) less fabulous than last week
b) about the same level of fabulousness as last week
c) more fabulous than last week
d) so fabulous it hurts to look at her
Christina is
a) a total freaking psycho
b) kind of a whore, actually
c) old, with skin the consistency of leather
d) Portugese, apparently
e) all of the above
Jen is
a) cute, but boring
b) sweet, but boring
c) just plain boring
d) Who is she, again?
Kirsten says "like"
a) Like, way too much!
b) Like, totally, like, way too much!
C) Like, way more than, like, anyone, like ever on the, like, face of the, like, Earth, like, ever has, like, before!
The best Portugese pastry is
a) A wedding cake made out of "European custard cups"
b) Codfish
c) How the hell does "codfish" qualify as a pastry?!
What's Kirsten's beef with Tina?
a) She is obviously intimidated by Tina's fabulousness.
b) She's jealous that Tina has actual eyebrows and doesn't have to draw hers on.
c) Kirsten hates all women.
Christina's outfit at the rose ceremony was
a) trampy
b) slutty
c) whore-y
d) so hideous that even Britney Spears wouldn't wear it in public
Did Andrew in fact make a mistake by sending Christina home?
a) No
b) Hell, no!
c) Are you kidding?
d) What is this, like a trick question?
Section Three: Sorority/Fraternity Life
Are Tim and Nicole dating?
a) Yes
b) No
c) God, I wish they would just shut up about it already!
d) I don't really care, but I hope they keep pursuing this ridiculous storyline because at least it doesn't involve the psycho brothers and sisters of DZO and Sigma Chi.
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